A look back at today's headlines on Monday 6th April 2009
'Death camp Nazi' can be deported
"Shit. This can not end well for me," declares ex-member of the Third Reich
Schindler's List found in Sydney
"I have been looking for this for fucking ages, you wouldn't believe the number of Blockbusters' stores I've been in," says avid movie fan
Thai man jailed for royal insult
"He's royally screwed, we're putting him in E-wing, that's where we keep all the rapists," Prison chief tells court
Home Office website linked to porn
"We always knew they were a gigantic gang of wankers, now we have proof," says Internet whizz
MP expenses probe to be televised
"But we are going to charge you for watching it. Gotta make up the cash somewhere," say crooked lawmakers
History to stay in new curriculum
"Thank fuck for that," sigh history teachers
UN: no immediate action against North Korea
"We will let them off this time, it was just a fancy looking firework after all," World body declares
Robinho cleared after rape investigation
"Sorry, we didn't realise you were a footballer, you can stick your cock where ever you god damn please," investigators tell soccer star
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 1st of April, 2009
Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate
Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners
Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman
Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group
Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media
Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor
GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant
'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press
Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily
Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces
Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer
Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate
Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners
Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman
Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group
Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media
Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor
GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant
'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press
Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily
Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces
Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer
Parents to be set on fire to stop kids from smoking
"This'll stop the little bastards well in their tracks," says government
The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.
The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.
The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.
"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."
"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."
Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.
"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."
The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.
"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.
The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.
The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.
The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.
"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."
"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."
Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.
"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."
The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.
"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Thursday the 26th of March, 2009
Clinton admits US blame on drugs
"If we didn't supply the lack of social welfare and the crackheads, you wouldn't supply the crack," Secretary of State tells Mexico
Councils 'ignored Iceland risks'
"We thought the problem would go away, but the chavs are still there, hanging around outside" admit bungling chiefs
Circumcision urged to cut sex infections
"If you cut off your penis, there is no way it can get infected," Doctor Nick-style surgeon suggests
Sudan cattle clashes 'kill 750'
"MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," recounts scarred survivor
Plans for abortion advice TV ads
"It'll be a sort of 'Blue Peter' style how to guide. 'All you need is a coat hanger..' that sort of thing, I'd get your pickets ready if you're pro-life," announces Ofcom
UK torture intelligence 'dilemma'
"We don't know whether to connect the electric current to their nuts, or just to the tip," ponders intelligence agency
God 'will not give happy ending'
"You will all die a horrible fiery death," assures Archbishop
Drink and drugs cost Scots £5bn
World economy suffers whilst Jocks enjoy cocktail of class A's whilst pissing wages up the wall
Locals deride £2m St Helens sculpture
"Couldn't we just get a new Greggs instead? Do you know how many pies that £2 million could buy us," whinge Woolybacks
Sea levels 'impossible' to defend against
"We tried firing our guns at the sea. Nothing. Must be al-Qaeda trained," declares Ministry of Defence
Scientists grow a living human 'brain'
"Despite being in a jar, and not actually functioning, it still has more intelligence and personality than any Big Brother contestant ever," claims scientist
Clinton admits US blame on drugs
"If we didn't supply the lack of social welfare and the crackheads, you wouldn't supply the crack," Secretary of State tells Mexico
Councils 'ignored Iceland risks'
"We thought the problem would go away, but the chavs are still there, hanging around outside" admit bungling chiefs
Circumcision urged to cut sex infections
"If you cut off your penis, there is no way it can get infected," Doctor Nick-style surgeon suggests
Sudan cattle clashes 'kill 750'
"MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," recounts scarred survivor
Plans for abortion advice TV ads
"It'll be a sort of 'Blue Peter' style how to guide. 'All you need is a coat hanger..' that sort of thing, I'd get your pickets ready if you're pro-life," announces Ofcom
UK torture intelligence 'dilemma'
"We don't know whether to connect the electric current to their nuts, or just to the tip," ponders intelligence agency
God 'will not give happy ending'
"You will all die a horrible fiery death," assures Archbishop
Drink and drugs cost Scots £5bn
World economy suffers whilst Jocks enjoy cocktail of class A's whilst pissing wages up the wall
Locals deride £2m St Helens sculpture
"Couldn't we just get a new Greggs instead? Do you know how many pies that £2 million could buy us," whinge Woolybacks
Sea levels 'impossible' to defend against
"We tried firing our guns at the sea. Nothing. Must be al-Qaeda trained," declares Ministry of Defence
Scientists grow a living human 'brain'
"Despite being in a jar, and not actually functioning, it still has more intelligence and personality than any Big Brother contestant ever," claims scientist
Therapists to cure 'the gayness'
"Hey, you! Don't be silly, get your arse away from that man's willy!" announced as new anti-bumming slogan
Therapists are to offer new treatments in an effort to halt bumming, as all efforts so far, have failed to work on anyone even remotely fond of the colour pink.
Anti-gay therapists said that they have developed new unproven strategies to cure these sinners of their horrific ungodly urges and hope to have rid the UK completely of knob jockey's by the year 2012, just in time for the London Olympics.
"Everything we have tried to date has failed," said therapist Doctor Karl Therapist, the pioneering therapist in this new method, "first, we tried putting them in prison, that didn't work, it just encouraged more bumming. Then we tried whipping them, but they enjoyed that too much. We tried electrode therapy but we didn't actually know what that was, so we shelved that idea. Finally, we tried talking with them about their feelings, but that was just playing into their own hands. This new idea will hopefully work."
"We really do need to exterminate this terrible illness in time for the Olympics," he continued, "the Chinese are coming over, they don't even like disabled people for fucks sake, never mind homs, imagine if they were to see a woofter in a wheelchair, they'd never come back. The effects on our tourist industry could be absolutely devastating, we must all pray this works."
Speculation is rife as to what the new treatment will be but plans are being kept secret in case 'the devils minions' attempt to counteract these methods.
Other failed methods in the past include:
-The 80's acclaimed 'AID's scare' where a menopausal witch named Margaret Thatcher encourages males not to insert organs into each other 'else we'll end up like Africa you filthy, filthy boys'
-The 'too much of a bad thing' method which most people are familiar with when caught smoking by their parents and encouraged to smoke a whole pack at once. This method includes rimming an entire gay club one man at a time when caught rear-ending a fellow male.
-The 'if your hand is bigger than your face method' where young men are informed that if their hand is bigger than their face they are destined for a life of buggery, then when placing the hand over the face in order to check, a swift fist to the back of the hand is administered to ensure they learn that a broken nose is the consequence for any form of homosexual activity whatsoever
When asked what the treatments would be for Lesbianism, Therapist said there was no cure for that in the foreseeable future, adding "come on, even the Chinese love a bit of poon on poon. We're not trying to cure straight blokes for fucks sake."
Therapists are to offer new treatments in an effort to halt bumming, as all efforts so far, have failed to work on anyone even remotely fond of the colour pink.
Anti-gay therapists said that they have developed new unproven strategies to cure these sinners of their horrific ungodly urges and hope to have rid the UK completely of knob jockey's by the year 2012, just in time for the London Olympics.
"Everything we have tried to date has failed," said therapist Doctor Karl Therapist, the pioneering therapist in this new method, "first, we tried putting them in prison, that didn't work, it just encouraged more bumming. Then we tried whipping them, but they enjoyed that too much. We tried electrode therapy but we didn't actually know what that was, so we shelved that idea. Finally, we tried talking with them about their feelings, but that was just playing into their own hands. This new idea will hopefully work."
"We really do need to exterminate this terrible illness in time for the Olympics," he continued, "the Chinese are coming over, they don't even like disabled people for fucks sake, never mind homs, imagine if they were to see a woofter in a wheelchair, they'd never come back. The effects on our tourist industry could be absolutely devastating, we must all pray this works."
Speculation is rife as to what the new treatment will be but plans are being kept secret in case 'the devils minions' attempt to counteract these methods.
Other failed methods in the past include:
-The 80's acclaimed 'AID's scare' where a menopausal witch named Margaret Thatcher encourages males not to insert organs into each other 'else we'll end up like Africa you filthy, filthy boys'
-The 'too much of a bad thing' method which most people are familiar with when caught smoking by their parents and encouraged to smoke a whole pack at once. This method includes rimming an entire gay club one man at a time when caught rear-ending a fellow male.
-The 'if your hand is bigger than your face method' where young men are informed that if their hand is bigger than their face they are destined for a life of buggery, then when placing the hand over the face in order to check, a swift fist to the back of the hand is administered to ensure they learn that a broken nose is the consequence for any form of homosexual activity whatsoever
When asked what the treatments would be for Lesbianism, Therapist said there was no cure for that in the foreseeable future, adding "come on, even the Chinese love a bit of poon on poon. We're not trying to cure straight blokes for fucks sake."
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 25th of March, 2009
Brown denies split over economy
"Economy? What could you possibly be talking about?" asks Prime Minister
Obama pledges economic recovery
"If I keep telling them it'll be OK, they will eventually believe it, its kinda like getting a girl to lose her virginity to you, eventually she'll let you put it in" US leader heard whispering to aide
UK to probe Bangladeshi arms
"We estimate that there are approximately two arms per person," estimates watchdog
School lunch rules 'too strict'
"Detention? All I did was flick a bit of lumpy mash dished out to me by a flabby armed 40-a-day chain smoker. You people are Nazis," complains unruly school child
Britton quits ITV's This Morning
"If only we could get Britain to do the same, we might actually get to watch some half-decent day time TV," wish UK's layabouts
Grandparenting 'should be paid'
"Reeking of stale piss, telling kids it 'wasn't like this in our day', and loogying on a tissue to wipe chocolate of a child's face is surely worth a bit of wedge," complain OAP's
NHS 'failings' over elderly falls
"Yay, we're not killing so many old people" rejoices health organisation
Trust in social workers 'dented'
"Apparently the public are not convinced we are doing a good job when all these kids keep dying due to neglect. Personally, I blame the parents," says children's advocate
'Boring' insurance giant weathers the storm
"Its so fun to lay people off and piss off the general public on a daily basis, you should try it you boring gang of twats," AIG bosses tell financially sound insurance company
Tinnitus cure 'is a step closer'
"Is that the phone? I think its the phone.. yeah, that's definitely the phone, could someone get that... will someone please just answer that fucking phone," pleads sufferer
Lahore attack 'to change cricket'
"Yes, shooting lethal bullets at the opposition team is surely a slightly unfair advantage," says sporting guru
1,200 HSBC staff face the axe
"Um, yeah, I know we said we weren't going to replace you all with automated machines... but... we've replaced you all with automated machines," 'worlds bank' sheepishly tells naive staff
Vandals attack home of ex-RBS chief
"Sorry, wrong house," HSBC workers tell sir Fred
Government plans to stalk the shit out of you on Facebook
"We hooked up in 2003 and it was horrendous for you," government to put as 'how you know each other'
Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.
The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.
The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.
"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.
The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.
Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.
For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.
A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."
"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."
Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.
Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.
The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.
The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.
"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.
The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.
Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.
For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.
A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."
"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."
Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)