News in Brief

A look back at today's headlines on Thursday the 26th of March, 2009

Clinton admits US blame on drugs
"If we didn't supply the lack of social welfare and the crackheads, you wouldn't supply the crack," Secretary of State tells Mexico

Councils 'ignored Iceland risks'
"We thought the problem would go away, but the chavs are still there, hanging around outside" admit bungling chiefs

Circumcision urged to cut sex infections
"If you cut off your penis, there is no way it can get infected," Doctor Nick-style surgeon suggests

Sudan cattle clashes 'kill 750'
"MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," recounts scarred survivor

Plans for abortion advice TV ads
"It'll be a sort of 'Blue Peter' style how to guide. 'All you need is a coat hanger..' that sort of thing, I'd get your pickets ready if you're pro-life," announces Ofcom

UK torture intelligence 'dilemma'
"We don't know whether to connect the electric current to their nuts, or just to the tip," ponders intelligence agency

God 'will not give happy ending'
"You will all die a horrible fiery death," assures Archbishop

Drink and drugs cost Scots £5bn
World economy suffers whilst Jocks enjoy cocktail of class A's whilst pissing wages up the wall

Locals deride £2m St Helens sculpture
"Couldn't we just get a new Greggs instead? Do you know how many pies that £2 million could buy us," whinge Woolybacks

Sea levels 'impossible' to defend against
"We tried firing our guns at the sea. Nothing. Must be al-Qaeda trained," declares Ministry of Defence

Scientists grow a living human 'brain'
"Despite being in a jar, and not actually functioning, it still has more intelligence and personality than any Big Brother contestant ever," claims scientist