A look back at today's headlines on Thursday the 26th of March, 2009
Clinton admits US blame on drugs
"If we didn't supply the lack of social welfare and the crackheads, you wouldn't supply the crack," Secretary of State tells Mexico
Councils 'ignored Iceland risks'
"We thought the problem would go away, but the chavs are still there, hanging around outside" admit bungling chiefs
Circumcision urged to cut sex infections
"If you cut off your penis, there is no way it can get infected," Doctor Nick-style surgeon suggests
Sudan cattle clashes 'kill 750'
"MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," recounts scarred survivor
Plans for abortion advice TV ads
"It'll be a sort of 'Blue Peter' style how to guide. 'All you need is a coat hanger..' that sort of thing, I'd get your pickets ready if you're pro-life," announces Ofcom
UK torture intelligence 'dilemma'
"We don't know whether to connect the electric current to their nuts, or just to the tip," ponders intelligence agency
God 'will not give happy ending'
"You will all die a horrible fiery death," assures Archbishop
Drink and drugs cost Scots £5bn
World economy suffers whilst Jocks enjoy cocktail of class A's whilst pissing wages up the wall
Locals deride £2m St Helens sculpture
"Couldn't we just get a new Greggs instead? Do you know how many pies that £2 million could buy us," whinge Woolybacks
Sea levels 'impossible' to defend against
"We tried firing our guns at the sea. Nothing. Must be al-Qaeda trained," declares Ministry of Defence
Scientists grow a living human 'brain'
"Despite being in a jar, and not actually functioning, it still has more intelligence and personality than any Big Brother contestant ever," claims scientist
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Therapists to cure 'the gayness'
"Hey, you! Don't be silly, get your arse away from that man's willy!" announced as new anti-bumming slogan
Therapists are to offer new treatments in an effort to halt bumming, as all efforts so far, have failed to work on anyone even remotely fond of the colour pink.
Anti-gay therapists said that they have developed new unproven strategies to cure these sinners of their horrific ungodly urges and hope to have rid the UK completely of knob jockey's by the year 2012, just in time for the London Olympics.
"Everything we have tried to date has failed," said therapist Doctor Karl Therapist, the pioneering therapist in this new method, "first, we tried putting them in prison, that didn't work, it just encouraged more bumming. Then we tried whipping them, but they enjoyed that too much. We tried electrode therapy but we didn't actually know what that was, so we shelved that idea. Finally, we tried talking with them about their feelings, but that was just playing into their own hands. This new idea will hopefully work."
"We really do need to exterminate this terrible illness in time for the Olympics," he continued, "the Chinese are coming over, they don't even like disabled people for fucks sake, never mind homs, imagine if they were to see a woofter in a wheelchair, they'd never come back. The effects on our tourist industry could be absolutely devastating, we must all pray this works."
Speculation is rife as to what the new treatment will be but plans are being kept secret in case 'the devils minions' attempt to counteract these methods.
Other failed methods in the past include:
-The 80's acclaimed 'AID's scare' where a menopausal witch named Margaret Thatcher encourages males not to insert organs into each other 'else we'll end up like Africa you filthy, filthy boys'
-The 'too much of a bad thing' method which most people are familiar with when caught smoking by their parents and encouraged to smoke a whole pack at once. This method includes rimming an entire gay club one man at a time when caught rear-ending a fellow male.
-The 'if your hand is bigger than your face method' where young men are informed that if their hand is bigger than their face they are destined for a life of buggery, then when placing the hand over the face in order to check, a swift fist to the back of the hand is administered to ensure they learn that a broken nose is the consequence for any form of homosexual activity whatsoever
When asked what the treatments would be for Lesbianism, Therapist said there was no cure for that in the foreseeable future, adding "come on, even the Chinese love a bit of poon on poon. We're not trying to cure straight blokes for fucks sake."
Therapists are to offer new treatments in an effort to halt bumming, as all efforts so far, have failed to work on anyone even remotely fond of the colour pink.
Anti-gay therapists said that they have developed new unproven strategies to cure these sinners of their horrific ungodly urges and hope to have rid the UK completely of knob jockey's by the year 2012, just in time for the London Olympics.
"Everything we have tried to date has failed," said therapist Doctor Karl Therapist, the pioneering therapist in this new method, "first, we tried putting them in prison, that didn't work, it just encouraged more bumming. Then we tried whipping them, but they enjoyed that too much. We tried electrode therapy but we didn't actually know what that was, so we shelved that idea. Finally, we tried talking with them about their feelings, but that was just playing into their own hands. This new idea will hopefully work."
"We really do need to exterminate this terrible illness in time for the Olympics," he continued, "the Chinese are coming over, they don't even like disabled people for fucks sake, never mind homs, imagine if they were to see a woofter in a wheelchair, they'd never come back. The effects on our tourist industry could be absolutely devastating, we must all pray this works."
Speculation is rife as to what the new treatment will be but plans are being kept secret in case 'the devils minions' attempt to counteract these methods.
Other failed methods in the past include:
-The 80's acclaimed 'AID's scare' where a menopausal witch named Margaret Thatcher encourages males not to insert organs into each other 'else we'll end up like Africa you filthy, filthy boys'
-The 'too much of a bad thing' method which most people are familiar with when caught smoking by their parents and encouraged to smoke a whole pack at once. This method includes rimming an entire gay club one man at a time when caught rear-ending a fellow male.
-The 'if your hand is bigger than your face method' where young men are informed that if their hand is bigger than their face they are destined for a life of buggery, then when placing the hand over the face in order to check, a swift fist to the back of the hand is administered to ensure they learn that a broken nose is the consequence for any form of homosexual activity whatsoever
When asked what the treatments would be for Lesbianism, Therapist said there was no cure for that in the foreseeable future, adding "come on, even the Chinese love a bit of poon on poon. We're not trying to cure straight blokes for fucks sake."
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 25th of March, 2009
Brown denies split over economy
"Economy? What could you possibly be talking about?" asks Prime Minister
Obama pledges economic recovery
"If I keep telling them it'll be OK, they will eventually believe it, its kinda like getting a girl to lose her virginity to you, eventually she'll let you put it in" US leader heard whispering to aide
UK to probe Bangladeshi arms
"We estimate that there are approximately two arms per person," estimates watchdog
School lunch rules 'too strict'
"Detention? All I did was flick a bit of lumpy mash dished out to me by a flabby armed 40-a-day chain smoker. You people are Nazis," complains unruly school child
Britton quits ITV's This Morning
"If only we could get Britain to do the same, we might actually get to watch some half-decent day time TV," wish UK's layabouts
Grandparenting 'should be paid'
"Reeking of stale piss, telling kids it 'wasn't like this in our day', and loogying on a tissue to wipe chocolate of a child's face is surely worth a bit of wedge," complain OAP's
NHS 'failings' over elderly falls
"Yay, we're not killing so many old people" rejoices health organisation
Trust in social workers 'dented'
"Apparently the public are not convinced we are doing a good job when all these kids keep dying due to neglect. Personally, I blame the parents," says children's advocate
'Boring' insurance giant weathers the storm
"Its so fun to lay people off and piss off the general public on a daily basis, you should try it you boring gang of twats," AIG bosses tell financially sound insurance company
Tinnitus cure 'is a step closer'
"Is that the phone? I think its the phone.. yeah, that's definitely the phone, could someone get that... will someone please just answer that fucking phone," pleads sufferer
Lahore attack 'to change cricket'
"Yes, shooting lethal bullets at the opposition team is surely a slightly unfair advantage," says sporting guru
1,200 HSBC staff face the axe
"Um, yeah, I know we said we weren't going to replace you all with automated machines... but... we've replaced you all with automated machines," 'worlds bank' sheepishly tells naive staff
Vandals attack home of ex-RBS chief
"Sorry, wrong house," HSBC workers tell sir Fred
Government plans to stalk the shit out of you on Facebook
"We hooked up in 2003 and it was horrendous for you," government to put as 'how you know each other'
Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.
The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.
The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.
"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.
The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.
Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.
For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.
A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."
"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."
Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.
Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.
The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.
The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.
"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.
The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.
Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.
For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.
A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."
"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."
Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Tuesday the 24th of March, 2009
US 'needs new Pakistan strategy'
"Believe it or not, losing was not in our original plans," declares Western nation
Europe 'must lead downturn fight'
"If we all just sit there waiting for America to do something, we could be sat there for quite sometime," Brown prods EU
Violence flares at Dalai Lama peace conference
"Oh the sweet, motherfucking irony," laughs Spiritual leader
Suicide attack on Iraqi funeral
"Two birds, one stone and all that," says madman before blowing himself into a million pieces
Call to 'shut down' Google Street View
"The British public is up in arms about absolutely fuck all yet again. This reminds me of time no one heard me tell Andrew Sachs my friend had pork-sworded his granddaughter and kicked off about it," says completely anonymous TV star
Naked Taoiseach paintings removed
"Please remove that painting of the naked fat man from the wall," plead disgusted Irish MP's
'Prophet carpet' goes for $5.5m
"That's a hell of a profit for the prophet, eh, eh, eh, here all week, try the veal," declares 70s-style comedian auctioneer
Big websites urged to avoid pop-ups
"Masturbating teens don't need pop-ups overtaking the screen whilst they are scurrying to put their erect penises away," Internet companies told
Microsoft launches latest browser
"We are proud to bring to you the latest software that will enable hackers to access your bank account details faster, more accurately, and with almost no hassle from the authorities," says computer company
Teacher numbers fall by 1,000
"You mean teachers don't enjoy being told to fuck off and threatened with a knife on a daily basis?" question bemused pupils
Gene 'has key schizophrenia role'
"We have discovered new information about this disease, and we wish to assure all sufferers: You are not alone, hahahaha, sorry, sorry, I just couldn't resist, I'll be serious now," announces tickled scientist
US 'needs new Pakistan strategy'
"Believe it or not, losing was not in our original plans," declares Western nation
Europe 'must lead downturn fight'
"If we all just sit there waiting for America to do something, we could be sat there for quite sometime," Brown prods EU
Violence flares at Dalai Lama peace conference
"Oh the sweet, motherfucking irony," laughs Spiritual leader
Suicide attack on Iraqi funeral
"Two birds, one stone and all that," says madman before blowing himself into a million pieces
Call to 'shut down' Google Street View
"The British public is up in arms about absolutely fuck all yet again. This reminds me of time no one heard me tell Andrew Sachs my friend had pork-sworded his granddaughter and kicked off about it," says completely anonymous TV star
Naked Taoiseach paintings removed
"Please remove that painting of the naked fat man from the wall," plead disgusted Irish MP's
'Prophet carpet' goes for $5.5m
"That's a hell of a profit for the prophet, eh, eh, eh, here all week, try the veal," declares 70s-style comedian auctioneer
Big websites urged to avoid pop-ups
"Masturbating teens don't need pop-ups overtaking the screen whilst they are scurrying to put their erect penises away," Internet companies told
Microsoft launches latest browser
"We are proud to bring to you the latest software that will enable hackers to access your bank account details faster, more accurately, and with almost no hassle from the authorities," says computer company
Teacher numbers fall by 1,000
"You mean teachers don't enjoy being told to fuck off and threatened with a knife on a daily basis?" question bemused pupils
Gene 'has key schizophrenia role'
"We have discovered new information about this disease, and we wish to assure all sufferers: You are not alone, hahahaha, sorry, sorry, I just couldn't resist, I'll be serious now," announces tickled scientist
Government announces plans for massive nationwide sychronous bowel movement
"What we are hoping for is a sort of New Years Eve-style countdown, ending with one, well-timed, simultaneous dump," says spokesman
The government today announced plans to make everyone in the UK foul themselves at the exact same time.
Secret talks have now been being held behind closed doors for six months to discuss a strategy which will cause all citizens in the UK to shit their pants at precisely the same time.
Government warnings about everything you touch causing some form of terminal illness, massive rises in unemployment that will directly affect you and your family that will surely soon die because of something you did to do with global warming, and the undeniably real threat that al-Qaeda will soon take over your local branch of Tescos simply to poison the asparagus you will be purchasing for dinner next Tuesday, have have slowly been on the rise since the beginning of 2009.
The government is hoping that all these small warnings will slowly begin gripping you, and causing that feeling you get when you are called into your bosses office for no apparent reason when you know you have been fucking about on the Internet all day when you should have been doing something productive.
Then, whilst they have your undivided attention, the government will then release four simultaneous giant warnings which will cause you to get the massive urge to drop your load no matter where you happen to be.
Speculation on what those warnings could actually be has had experts on government warnings' chins wagging as they attempt to guess what bomb-shells they will announce on the day the big plan takes effect and the shit hits the fan, the floor, the chair, the bloke behind you on the tube, basically, everything.
An inside source who refused to be named said: "It will probably be some sort of flashing warning, breaking in during a show which everyone is watching like an episode of Coronation Street where we announced they were killing off Gail Platt, because lets face it, who wouldn't want to watch that bitch cop it?"
"Then, just as she's about to croak, the emergency broadcast system will jump into action, with lights flashing, booming something like 'Ruby Wax is actually your mother' or 'John Leslie is at your door right now' causing everyone to absolutely gravy themselves"
The date for the announcements has not been released, however, experts are predicting that it will be some time in June when the weather is warm and there is a heatwave caused by global warming that was your fault so that the freshly laid fecal matter from everyone will cause a gigantic stench throughout the whole of the UK, making the entire country smell like Peterborough.
The government today announced plans to make everyone in the UK foul themselves at the exact same time.
Secret talks have now been being held behind closed doors for six months to discuss a strategy which will cause all citizens in the UK to shit their pants at precisely the same time.
Government warnings about everything you touch causing some form of terminal illness, massive rises in unemployment that will directly affect you and your family that will surely soon die because of something you did to do with global warming, and the undeniably real threat that al-Qaeda will soon take over your local branch of Tescos simply to poison the asparagus you will be purchasing for dinner next Tuesday, have have slowly been on the rise since the beginning of 2009.
The government is hoping that all these small warnings will slowly begin gripping you, and causing that feeling you get when you are called into your bosses office for no apparent reason when you know you have been fucking about on the Internet all day when you should have been doing something productive.
Then, whilst they have your undivided attention, the government will then release four simultaneous giant warnings which will cause you to get the massive urge to drop your load no matter where you happen to be.
Speculation on what those warnings could actually be has had experts on government warnings' chins wagging as they attempt to guess what bomb-shells they will announce on the day the big plan takes effect and the shit hits the fan, the floor, the chair, the bloke behind you on the tube, basically, everything.
An inside source who refused to be named said: "It will probably be some sort of flashing warning, breaking in during a show which everyone is watching like an episode of Coronation Street where we announced they were killing off Gail Platt, because lets face it, who wouldn't want to watch that bitch cop it?"
"Then, just as she's about to croak, the emergency broadcast system will jump into action, with lights flashing, booming something like 'Ruby Wax is actually your mother' or 'John Leslie is at your door right now' causing everyone to absolutely gravy themselves"
The date for the announcements has not been released, however, experts are predicting that it will be some time in June when the weather is warm and there is a heatwave caused by global warming that was your fault so that the freshly laid fecal matter from everyone will cause a gigantic stench throughout the whole of the UK, making the entire country smell like Peterborough.
Monday, 23 March 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Monday the 23rd of March, 2009
US details toxic asset programme
"This is a list of things that we can kill you with," boasts world superpower
Trial starts for Mumbai suspect
"We only say suspect so it looks like a fair trial, we all know he's going down like a poorly equipped White Star liner on her maiden voyage," states judge
Angry OAP posts pension 'rise' back to Prime Minister
"You can put this twenty five pence towards your expenses, you massive mound of cock gobblers," irate geriatric shouts whilst shaking fist in general direction of Houses of Parliament
BNP cop is first to be fired
"Beating up minorities is not what our organisation is about, well, it is, but not in your spare time," explains Scotland Yard chief
Daily Mail group cuts 1,000 jobs
"It's been twelve years, we just don't need all these Diana stories anymore," declares daily waffler
Griffiths says he is 'ashamed' over cheating claims
"I hang my head in shame, she is an absolute munter," says disgraced MP
Police 'heavy-handed at protests'
"Okay, okay, perhaps stamping on the protesters heads was a bad idea," police admit
Bank heads give back stock options
"We'll keep the cash, but you can have these back. They aren't worth shit anyways," bank chiefs repent
US bikini wax ban plans ditched
"OK, we let you vote to stop you whinging, but this is definitely not what the whole suffrage thing was about. There's no way we will allow hairy growlers, this isn't the 70's for fucks sake," male lawmakers inform female Senators
Paris youths in row over condoms
"If ze pup sez we don't need zem, zen we don't need zem," French boys tell casual sexual acquaintances
UFO sighting revealed to be a hoax
"A drawing of a space ship on a napkin in crayon does not constitute 'photographic evidence'" Lauds Home Office
US details toxic asset programme
"This is a list of things that we can kill you with," boasts world superpower
Trial starts for Mumbai suspect
"We only say suspect so it looks like a fair trial, we all know he's going down like a poorly equipped White Star liner on her maiden voyage," states judge
Angry OAP posts pension 'rise' back to Prime Minister
"You can put this twenty five pence towards your expenses, you massive mound of cock gobblers," irate geriatric shouts whilst shaking fist in general direction of Houses of Parliament
BNP cop is first to be fired
"Beating up minorities is not what our organisation is about, well, it is, but not in your spare time," explains Scotland Yard chief
Daily Mail group cuts 1,000 jobs
"It's been twelve years, we just don't need all these Diana stories anymore," declares daily waffler
Griffiths says he is 'ashamed' over cheating claims
"I hang my head in shame, she is an absolute munter," says disgraced MP
Police 'heavy-handed at protests'
"Okay, okay, perhaps stamping on the protesters heads was a bad idea," police admit
Bank heads give back stock options
"We'll keep the cash, but you can have these back. They aren't worth shit anyways," bank chiefs repent
US bikini wax ban plans ditched
"OK, we let you vote to stop you whinging, but this is definitely not what the whole suffrage thing was about. There's no way we will allow hairy growlers, this isn't the 70's for fucks sake," male lawmakers inform female Senators
Paris youths in row over condoms
"If ze pup sez we don't need zem, zen we don't need zem," French boys tell casual sexual acquaintances
UFO sighting revealed to be a hoax
"A drawing of a space ship on a napkin in crayon does not constitute 'photographic evidence'" Lauds Home Office
Lady GaGa has 'never actually played poker'
"No wonder you can't read her bastard poker face, she doesn't sodding have one," says music industry expert
Chart topping singer Lady GaGa caused uproar in the music community today when an undercover investigation revealed that she has never actually played poker.
The shocking discovery was made when an industry insider challenged the singer to a game of Texas Hold'em and when she sat down informed them that they would have to explain the rules to her.
"I asked if she fancied a round of Hold'em with me and my friends since she claimed her poker face was so good," said whistle blower Randy Hicksburgh, "she asked what I meant by this, I thought it strange at first but then dismissed it thinking that maybe she was just a 'stud', or 'straight' poker kinda gal. Turns out the lying bitch has never touched a deck of cards in her fucking life!"
"That just enraged me, I've been playing poker for ten years, I've played with the best in the biz, and for someone to blatantly throw around claims that her poker face is better than Gus 'The Great Dane' Hansen's is just downright disrespectful to all involved in the game."
The lyrics from the song entitled 'poker face', clearly state "can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face," and later in the song go on to add "P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face mum mum mum mah P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face," in a blatant taunting of a fictional opponent.
However, these claims were blown out of the water by Hicksburgh, and she is now suffering the backlash from this miscarriage of justice, which threaten to derail her quest for total domination of the music world.
The revelation has caused a public outcry for the singer to be stripped of her number one position in the charts from professionals within the music industry, as well as the gambling community in countries all over the world.
Distraught Lady GaGa fans were being comforted by relatives today, with school attendance at its lowest since Wednesday the 14th of February, 1996, the day after Take That announced they were disbanding.
"Its made me question the value of all songs in the music industry," claimed one distraught fan from Leeds through tears. "Next you'll be telling me that it does actually matter to Michael Jackson about your racial status, Prodigy are not the arsonists that they claim to be, or that Right Said Fred is actually the appropriate proportion of sexy for his shirt, and that it doesn't really cause him any form of physical pain whatsoever."
Chart topping singer Lady GaGa caused uproar in the music community today when an undercover investigation revealed that she has never actually played poker.
The shocking discovery was made when an industry insider challenged the singer to a game of Texas Hold'em and when she sat down informed them that they would have to explain the rules to her.
"I asked if she fancied a round of Hold'em with me and my friends since she claimed her poker face was so good," said whistle blower Randy Hicksburgh, "she asked what I meant by this, I thought it strange at first but then dismissed it thinking that maybe she was just a 'stud', or 'straight' poker kinda gal. Turns out the lying bitch has never touched a deck of cards in her fucking life!"
"That just enraged me, I've been playing poker for ten years, I've played with the best in the biz, and for someone to blatantly throw around claims that her poker face is better than Gus 'The Great Dane' Hansen's is just downright disrespectful to all involved in the game."
The lyrics from the song entitled 'poker face', clearly state "can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face," and later in the song go on to add "P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face mum mum mum mah P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face," in a blatant taunting of a fictional opponent.
However, these claims were blown out of the water by Hicksburgh, and she is now suffering the backlash from this miscarriage of justice, which threaten to derail her quest for total domination of the music world.
The revelation has caused a public outcry for the singer to be stripped of her number one position in the charts from professionals within the music industry, as well as the gambling community in countries all over the world.
Distraught Lady GaGa fans were being comforted by relatives today, with school attendance at its lowest since Wednesday the 14th of February, 1996, the day after Take That announced they were disbanding.
"Its made me question the value of all songs in the music industry," claimed one distraught fan from Leeds through tears. "Next you'll be telling me that it does actually matter to Michael Jackson about your racial status, Prodigy are not the arsonists that they claim to be, or that Right Said Fred is actually the appropriate proportion of sexy for his shirt, and that it doesn't really cause him any form of physical pain whatsoever."
Saturday, 21 March 2009
New in Brief
A look back at the headlines from the past two days on 21st March, 2009
Obama sorry for disability remark
"Sorry if I offended any Spacca's," President apologises
Iran partially accepts US outreach
"We like to make fun of the cripples too," nuclear threat tells Obama
Pope condemns African corruption
"You should be raping without contraception, you animals," Papal leader chides rapists
Total liable for Buncefield blast
"They were your flammable gasses, and your sparks that caused it. Tell me, how is it not your fault again?" asks judge
Online game gets banking licence
"Its actually more stable than any of the real banks," declares Fed chief
NZ plane birth charges 'likely'
Ryanair to charge £6 for going into labour aboard one of its flights
Girl gets organs from father
"And no, we're not talking about the Fritzl's this time," says quick witted hospital spokesman
Pink elephant caught on camera
"See I told you I wasn't high," boasts stoned photographer
People find themselves on Google street view service
"Shouldn't you lot be working?" employers ask bored employees
Chamberlin leaves Smashing Pumpkins
"They were still going?" ask music fans
Sandwich makers criticise guidelines
"If I want to deposit a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle, then I fucking well will put a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle," declares bread filler
Obama sorry for disability remark
"Sorry if I offended any Spacca's," President apologises
Iran partially accepts US outreach
"We like to make fun of the cripples too," nuclear threat tells Obama
Pope condemns African corruption
"You should be raping without contraception, you animals," Papal leader chides rapists
Total liable for Buncefield blast
"They were your flammable gasses, and your sparks that caused it. Tell me, how is it not your fault again?" asks judge
Online game gets banking licence
"Its actually more stable than any of the real banks," declares Fed chief
NZ plane birth charges 'likely'
Ryanair to charge £6 for going into labour aboard one of its flights
Girl gets organs from father
"And no, we're not talking about the Fritzl's this time," says quick witted hospital spokesman
Pink elephant caught on camera
"See I told you I wasn't high," boasts stoned photographer
People find themselves on Google street view service
"Shouldn't you lot be working?" employers ask bored employees
Chamberlin leaves Smashing Pumpkins
"They were still going?" ask music fans
Sandwich makers criticise guidelines
"If I want to deposit a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle, then I fucking well will put a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle," declares bread filler
Manager tries to turn football team into chapter of the Klan
Coach turns out to be a Kleagle
An under-10s football Manager was sacked from his post for attempting to turn the team into a chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.
Coach Michael Joveson was rumbled when the new training kit, financed by Chad Maverickson - an active member of the White Supremacy group, showed up at the houses of bewildered parents.
"It was mad, I thought the missus had got hold of my MasterCard again, she was watching the shopping channel the other day and they were advertising a bathroom set, I thought she'd gone ahead and bought one," said one angry parent of a child who played for Hangleton Rangers youth team.
Joveson was sacked under a breach of the FA rule which states that "football kits must not carry any kind of political message plus that whole 'kick racism out of football' campaign that we've spent a fair bit of coin on," according to an FA statement.
"My son is renowned for his overactive imagination. So when he told us that the coach had asked the boys to refer to him as the 'Grand High Wizard," said Toby Hicksburg, a shocked parent of one of the players, "turns out he wasn't fucking about, he really was a massive racist."
According to one of the boys, training sessions involved dressing in the robes, which had previously been supplied on training day by the coach, and standing in a circle doing passing drills around a burning cross whilst chanting. The two assistant managers rode horses throughout the training sessions, with the horses also dressed in white hoods.
Players were also encouraged to target players of the opposite team who were 'darker' and coaches would routinely ask larger players to man mark players of the opposite team who were clearly of a foreign origin.
"It all falls into place now," added Hicksburg, "Big Dan is the best keeper we have, and he's got a beast of a left foot. The coach put him up at right midfield and we were all flabbergasted at the decision. Turns out, the kid playing in left midfield was Chinese, ended up going off on a stretcher, but oh well, his parents own the local chippy, and they forgot my prawn crackers once so I was kinda happy about it. 'Teach the bastards a lesson' I thought at the time."
"At first, I thought Joveson was really friendly with little Stevie Lynch's parents, he always said he was off to the Lynch party, but.... shit, that's a point, I haven't seen Akinwa for a good few weeks now. Bollocks, I hope he hasn't.... you know.... shit, he was our best striker and all."
An under-10s football Manager was sacked from his post for attempting to turn the team into a chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.
Coach Michael Joveson was rumbled when the new training kit, financed by Chad Maverickson - an active member of the White Supremacy group, showed up at the houses of bewildered parents.
"It was mad, I thought the missus had got hold of my MasterCard again, she was watching the shopping channel the other day and they were advertising a bathroom set, I thought she'd gone ahead and bought one," said one angry parent of a child who played for Hangleton Rangers youth team.
Joveson was sacked under a breach of the FA rule which states that "football kits must not carry any kind of political message plus that whole 'kick racism out of football' campaign that we've spent a fair bit of coin on," according to an FA statement.
"My son is renowned for his overactive imagination. So when he told us that the coach had asked the boys to refer to him as the 'Grand High Wizard," said Toby Hicksburg, a shocked parent of one of the players, "turns out he wasn't fucking about, he really was a massive racist."
According to one of the boys, training sessions involved dressing in the robes, which had previously been supplied on training day by the coach, and standing in a circle doing passing drills around a burning cross whilst chanting. The two assistant managers rode horses throughout the training sessions, with the horses also dressed in white hoods.
Players were also encouraged to target players of the opposite team who were 'darker' and coaches would routinely ask larger players to man mark players of the opposite team who were clearly of a foreign origin.
"It all falls into place now," added Hicksburg, "Big Dan is the best keeper we have, and he's got a beast of a left foot. The coach put him up at right midfield and we were all flabbergasted at the decision. Turns out, the kid playing in left midfield was Chinese, ended up going off on a stretcher, but oh well, his parents own the local chippy, and they forgot my prawn crackers once so I was kinda happy about it. 'Teach the bastards a lesson' I thought at the time."
"At first, I thought Joveson was really friendly with little Stevie Lynch's parents, he always said he was off to the Lynch party, but.... shit, that's a point, I haven't seen Akinwa for a good few weeks now. Bollocks, I hope he hasn't.... you know.... shit, he was our best striker and all."
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
News in Brief
A quick look at today's headline's on Wednesday the 18th of March, 2009
Fritzl pleads guilty
"I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids!" rues Austrian, as case takes Scooby-Doo style twist
New questions over torture policy
"We want answers. What non-lethal method would you recommend best for getting them quickly?" commission asks intelligence agency
Fathers 4 Justice pair arrested at airport
"Despite being dressed as 'Superman', you are unable to fly today," police tell unruly dads
US to force AIG to repay bonuses
"Give us back that cash, or we break your fucking knee caps," Washington tells troubled insurer
Curbs on risky banking proposed
"Taking a customer's life savings down to Stanley's casino, and placing it all on red is NOT good banking," Turner tells financial deadbeats
French Connection loses millions in 2008
"We're absolutely Fcuk-ed," fashion giant announces
Usain Bolt to run on Manchester streets
"Lets see how cocky the bastard is when he has a gang of tooled-up teenage hoodies chasing him," says city Mayor
Fritzl pleads guilty
"I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids!" rues Austrian, as case takes Scooby-Doo style twist
New questions over torture policy
"We want answers. What non-lethal method would you recommend best for getting them quickly?" commission asks intelligence agency
Fathers 4 Justice pair arrested at airport
"Despite being dressed as 'Superman', you are unable to fly today," police tell unruly dads
US to force AIG to repay bonuses
"Give us back that cash, or we break your fucking knee caps," Washington tells troubled insurer
Curbs on risky banking proposed
"Taking a customer's life savings down to Stanley's casino, and placing it all on red is NOT good banking," Turner tells financial deadbeats
French Connection loses millions in 2008
"We're absolutely Fcuk-ed," fashion giant announces
Usain Bolt to run on Manchester streets
"Lets see how cocky the bastard is when he has a gang of tooled-up teenage hoodies chasing him," says city Mayor
Report: British children gagging to be felt up by paedophiles
British children are absolutely gagging for a fingering from a paedophile according to a report published today.
The report by organisation 'The S.O. Register', focusing on childhood trends whilst online, revealed that 68 percent of British children were chatting to paedophiles on the Internet, but were not aware of the consequences of these actions, or indeed the risks involved when being touched up by a nonce.
British parents were also found to be lagging behind on what they know about their children's' computer habits with with most parents believing the average exposure to paedophiles online is 18.5 hours a week, while the actual average exposure is 45.6 hours a week.
"The Internet is a fantastic place to meet paedophiles, don't get me wrong," claimed Fred Langton, the leader of the study. "But parents need to be wary of how much time their kids actually spend chatting to paedophiles. Whilst they are young and impressionable, these may seem like the sexual prime of their life, but when they reach the age of sixteen, their so-called 'special friends' will have no qualms about dropping them like a sack of shit for a younger model."
The report came with a list of five things to talk to your children about when baiting kiddy fiddlers' online, with tips from Langton:
1. Always give specific instructions to where you live, give a house number and a postcode if necessary.
- "There's nothing worse for a paedophile than driving round forever, looking for Ruby Street, when you meant Ruby Drive."
2. Always tell them what school you go to
- "Just because your parents tell you you're beautiful, doesn't mean you are, giving them a contingency plan is just polite."
3. Meet somewhere private
- "Remember, paedophiles are your friend, you wouldn't want to get a friend in trouble now would you?"
4. Never lie about your age
- "Remember, nonces can get quite agitated if they are expecting a ten-year-old and some smart-ass 16-year-old rocks up. If your too old, get out of the game."
5. When going to meet a nonce, take precautions
- "That first time can be pretty sore, make sure to take some form of lube with you, they may also have friends they want to share you with, so take a pack of Durex as well."
The report also found that the Internet was helping to cement family ties, with nearly one-third of children befriending their parents on a social networking site.
"It's important for children to be able to look at pictures of their parents posing as drunken twats while they aren't around," added Langton. "Many kids have no evidence of their parents getting so drunk they can't see, then throwing up all over themselves, so its easy for parents to point the finger when a child is dropped off at home by the police half cut."
"This way, children can look their parents square in the eye and say: 'fuck you Mum, fuck you in the face! You were much worse on Saturday night, Dad tagged the pictures of you, I'm off for another Jose Cuervo and there's nothing you can do to stop me'."
The report by organisation 'The S.O. Register', focusing on childhood trends whilst online, revealed that 68 percent of British children were chatting to paedophiles on the Internet, but were not aware of the consequences of these actions, or indeed the risks involved when being touched up by a nonce.
British parents were also found to be lagging behind on what they know about their children's' computer habits with with most parents believing the average exposure to paedophiles online is 18.5 hours a week, while the actual average exposure is 45.6 hours a week.
"The Internet is a fantastic place to meet paedophiles, don't get me wrong," claimed Fred Langton, the leader of the study. "But parents need to be wary of how much time their kids actually spend chatting to paedophiles. Whilst they are young and impressionable, these may seem like the sexual prime of their life, but when they reach the age of sixteen, their so-called 'special friends' will have no qualms about dropping them like a sack of shit for a younger model."
The report came with a list of five things to talk to your children about when baiting kiddy fiddlers' online, with tips from Langton:
1. Always give specific instructions to where you live, give a house number and a postcode if necessary.
- "There's nothing worse for a paedophile than driving round forever, looking for Ruby Street, when you meant Ruby Drive."
2. Always tell them what school you go to
- "Just because your parents tell you you're beautiful, doesn't mean you are, giving them a contingency plan is just polite."
3. Meet somewhere private
- "Remember, paedophiles are your friend, you wouldn't want to get a friend in trouble now would you?"
4. Never lie about your age
- "Remember, nonces can get quite agitated if they are expecting a ten-year-old and some smart-ass 16-year-old rocks up. If your too old, get out of the game."
5. When going to meet a nonce, take precautions
- "That first time can be pretty sore, make sure to take some form of lube with you, they may also have friends they want to share you with, so take a pack of Durex as well."
The report also found that the Internet was helping to cement family ties, with nearly one-third of children befriending their parents on a social networking site.
"It's important for children to be able to look at pictures of their parents posing as drunken twats while they aren't around," added Langton. "Many kids have no evidence of their parents getting so drunk they can't see, then throwing up all over themselves, so its easy for parents to point the finger when a child is dropped off at home by the police half cut."
"This way, children can look their parents square in the eye and say: 'fuck you Mum, fuck you in the face! You were much worse on Saturday night, Dad tagged the pictures of you, I'm off for another Jose Cuervo and there's nothing you can do to stop me'."
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Body with blue folder for a head is actually just a bloke hiding his face, not a new species
"Holy crap! We thought we had a real story there," exclaims shocked media
The Press today were astounded to learn that a body, thought to have a A4 folder for a head was not some kind of crazy undiscovered species, but instead, just a guy hiding his face from the worlds' press, using a blue loose-leaf ring-binder because he was embarrassed of what he did.
Designated 'Homoscrinium-caput', Latin for 'folder-head man', the creature was captured ambling into a courtroom in Austria. Initially, word had spread quickly that someone had spotted an entirely new species of human, with a folder for a head, and Press from all over the globe swiftly descended on the sleepy town of St Pölten, in Austria.
Regrettably, hopes were dashed this afternoon when it emerged that "Binder Boy", as the Press has affectionately named him, was actually an Austrian man, named Joseph Fritzl, currently on trial for the incestuous rape, and imprisonment of his daughter, along with the murder of one of the children he fathered with her.
"Well, that’s depressing!" exclaimed Mike Hicksburgh, journalist for the Daily Mail, "I thought that it was gonna be an amazing scoop, something that would grab the attention of your average Joe, something that everyone would be interested in - like a blue folder-headed dude. No, we have to settle instead for the average, run-of-the-mill everyday, 'lock your daughter in a concrete cellar you built in secret with your own two hands for twenty-four years and rape her repeatedly, fathering her seven children' dude. It's just not that interesting really."
"At least with blue folder-headed dude, I could have done some proper investigative digging - maybe he had an affair with Diana? We could actually have some blue folder-headed royalty running about the UK right now? But no, incest in the royal family is nothing new. My editor’s called me off the story now. I've now gotta write a front page leader exposing how immigrants are taking all our jobs and stabbing teens in London," he added.
Toby Doberdean, Foreign “Weirdo Watch” correspondent for The Sun said: "Ah Fuck it, I'll just make some shit up about this folder-head. No one buys The Sun anyways, besides, I've already fabricated six paragraphs about it on the way here. Yep, 'SPECIES 'FOLDER' THAN MAN HIMSELF FOUND' is the headline I'm going with. Did you see what I did? It's a pun, like I've used the word 'folder', instead of 'older', fucking genius mate!"
A source close to the court proceedings has said, "He's pretty much guilty of everything. They’re actually fast-forwarding through the witness testimony to save us all a bit of time.”
“Yadda Yadda... Dad made me a playroom downstairs. Yadda Yadda... he moved in with me part time. Yadda Yadda... my kids all have webbed toes and are scared of the light.”
Austrian Prosecutors have also stated additional charges maybe brought against the man for impersonating a filing aide.
Monday, 16 March 2009
News in Brief
A quick roundup of today's events on Monday the 16th of March 2009
Fritzl hears daughters testimony
"Sounds about right to me," Austrian dungeon master thinks to himself
Red Cross accusses CIA of torturing suspects
"Define what you mean by the word 'torturing', exactly," Central Intelligence Agency questions International aid group
Chavez offers use of base to Russia
"Your missiles can reach America much quicker from here," El Presidente offers Kremlin
Bernanke hopeful for US recovery
"Maybe we should all just try crossing our fingers and hope the economy fixes itself. Its fucked, totally fucked," Fed chief announces
Obama doesn't want AIG execs to get bonuses
"Lets be honest, you don't really deserve one now do you," Commander in Chief tells bungling bosses
Health Secretary vetoes plan for booze price rise
"I pissed a lot of politicians off today, I need a fucking drink, and I'm not about to pay a packet for it," exclaims Johnson
Cambridge entry requirements ridiculously high
"You should probably start cheating on your exams now," Pompous University tells hopefuls
Iraqi footballer shot dead as he's about to score
"Why didn't our fans think of that tactic?" United boss thinks aloud
Chinese athletes 'faked their age' according to new report
"We kinda guessed that was the case," rest of the world informs communist sporting community
Hotline set up for dumped shopping trolleys
"We're just sick of being pushed around," declare shopping aides
Fritzl hears daughters testimony
"Sounds about right to me," Austrian dungeon master thinks to himself
Red Cross accusses CIA of torturing suspects
"Define what you mean by the word 'torturing', exactly," Central Intelligence Agency questions International aid group
Chavez offers use of base to Russia
"Your missiles can reach America much quicker from here," El Presidente offers Kremlin
Bernanke hopeful for US recovery
"Maybe we should all just try crossing our fingers and hope the economy fixes itself. Its fucked, totally fucked," Fed chief announces
Obama doesn't want AIG execs to get bonuses
"Lets be honest, you don't really deserve one now do you," Commander in Chief tells bungling bosses
Health Secretary vetoes plan for booze price rise
"I pissed a lot of politicians off today, I need a fucking drink, and I'm not about to pay a packet for it," exclaims Johnson
Cambridge entry requirements ridiculously high
"You should probably start cheating on your exams now," Pompous University tells hopefuls
Iraqi footballer shot dead as he's about to score
"Why didn't our fans think of that tactic?" United boss thinks aloud
Chinese athletes 'faked their age' according to new report
"We kinda guessed that was the case," rest of the world informs communist sporting community
Hotline set up for dumped shopping trolleys
"We're just sick of being pushed around," declare shopping aides
Friday, 13 March 2009
Science and Research
Migraines increase probability of women being a total bitch, so does PMT, but migraines and PMT?
Scientists have bravely undertaken a study into whether women can have a migraine and PMT at the same time.
Migraines have long been known to make a woman even more of a bitch than she potentially could be if she has one, but scientists are looking into the possibility that migraine bitchiness, and pre-menstrual bitchiness, are two completely separate entities that cannot be combined.
The latest study by scientist at the Institute of What The Hell Did I Do This Time, based in Leeds, discovered that woman can be pissed off you at any time they god damn please, however, if they happen to have a migraine, you are warned to stay the fuck out of her way just like when she is pre-menstrual.
Apparently, the pain, which cannot be described although "its definitely not more painful than childbirth, nothing is more painful than childbirth, not even getting kicked in your poor excuse of a package or getting flicked really hard on your bellend, and you should be shot for suggesting that anything could even come close to the pain of childbirth you insensitive prick," according to the results of the study.
It has long been known that a woman can blame a mood swing on anything she likes, and men will continue to grin and bare it since they just want to get laid, however, a recent gathering of men who were booted out of their own homes for some minor infraction at a local boozer, noticed the trend that none of them could name a time that their Missus had booted off at them with it being both of these two factors involved given as the reason.
"It was always one or the other," said one of the local patrons, who outright refused to be named through absolute fear of reprisals, and actually stood behind a screen with a voice changer 'just in case'. "This time it's that time of the month, but a few weeks ago, it was a migraine. Funny how you never get the two together, its like Clarke Kent and Superman."
Scientists are now researching whether it is possible for a woman to have a migraine whilst she is pre-menstrual, or whether that would create what they are describing as a "super-mega-pissed-off-oh-my-god-I-don't-think-even-Hitler-himself-was-this-evil-bitch."
"It's kinda like Y2K," said a leading scientist in the study, "either it turns out the theory just isn't possible, or we'll all die. Personally, I'm shitting one and if you own a pair of testicles, you should be too."
Scientists have bravely undertaken a study into whether women can have a migraine and PMT at the same time.
Migraines have long been known to make a woman even more of a bitch than she potentially could be if she has one, but scientists are looking into the possibility that migraine bitchiness, and pre-menstrual bitchiness, are two completely separate entities that cannot be combined.
The latest study by scientist at the Institute of What The Hell Did I Do This Time, based in Leeds, discovered that woman can be pissed off you at any time they god damn please, however, if they happen to have a migraine, you are warned to stay the fuck out of her way just like when she is pre-menstrual.
Apparently, the pain, which cannot be described although "its definitely not more painful than childbirth, nothing is more painful than childbirth, not even getting kicked in your poor excuse of a package or getting flicked really hard on your bellend, and you should be shot for suggesting that anything could even come close to the pain of childbirth you insensitive prick," according to the results of the study.
It has long been known that a woman can blame a mood swing on anything she likes, and men will continue to grin and bare it since they just want to get laid, however, a recent gathering of men who were booted out of their own homes for some minor infraction at a local boozer, noticed the trend that none of them could name a time that their Missus had booted off at them with it being both of these two factors involved given as the reason.
"It was always one or the other," said one of the local patrons, who outright refused to be named through absolute fear of reprisals, and actually stood behind a screen with a voice changer 'just in case'. "This time it's that time of the month, but a few weeks ago, it was a migraine. Funny how you never get the two together, its like Clarke Kent and Superman."
Scientists are now researching whether it is possible for a woman to have a migraine whilst she is pre-menstrual, or whether that would create what they are describing as a "super-mega-pissed-off-oh-my-god-I-don't-think-even-Hitler-himself-was-this-evil-bitch."
"It's kinda like Y2K," said a leading scientist in the study, "either it turns out the theory just isn't possible, or we'll all die. Personally, I'm shitting one and if you own a pair of testicles, you should be too."
Thursday, 12 March 2009
News Roundup
INTERNATIONAL:
Kim wins election running against himself
"Holy Shit! That was so unexpected," says sarcastic neighbour
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il was the unanimous winner in the latest "election" in the communist nation.
The results, announced by Pyongyang on Monday were described as "OH. MY. GOD! No fricking way man, that is like too weird, that is like the most shocking thing in the history of shocking things," by South Korea.
"Seriously, I think if you took a 20,000 vault battery, connected it to my nuts, turned it on whilst jamming an un-lubed guitar up my ass, and telling me my son was gay at the same time; I still would not be as shocked as I am now," added Seoul.
UK:
Blair encouraged to stop being shit at everything he does
"Maybe it's time to call it a day eh To?" encourages Levy
Lord Levy has blasted former prime minister Tony Blair by telling him "maybe you should be shit at something else and let someone who actually knows what they are doing have a go. Why don't you try bowls, thats a good old people sport."
Levy made the comments on BBC 4's Week in Westminster programme on Saturday whilst discussing Blair's recent shot at envoy for the Middle East Quartet.
"I would encourage him to still play a role in the Middle East, just maybe a much smaller role, like watching what happens there on the news, then discussing it over a nice cup of Bovril with Cherie," added the Lord.
BUSINESS:
You're totally screwed
"I am sooooo glad I am not you right now" says Bernanke
US Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke addressed the nation on Tuesday declaring "seriously, you guys are fuckoed, absolutely skee-rewed. I mean, I noticed that things were a little bit wobbly before, but yeah, I am so glad I'm not any of you right now."
Whilst your life falls apart all around you, Bernanke will be sat behind his desk, sipping skinny lattes, wondering what to say next in order to try and scare the shit out of traders world wide and send stocks crashing for the ten thousandth time.
"The economy is fucked, the climate is fucked, unemployment is at an all time high, wow. All I can say is: sucks to be you," added the financial guru.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Big name pop stars whine about not being rich enough
"There is no fucking chance I am sitting in a business class seat," gripe overpaid whingebags
Overpaid pop stars such as Blur, Robbie Williams, and Annie Lennox have united to form a group to whinge about some sort of royalty thing the rest of us struggling to make ends meet just wouldn't understand, it was announced on Wednesday.
The stars are forming the group to protest the fact they are only making a boat load of cash from their songs instead of a shit load.
"OK, first of all, let me just say, I don't get it either," a spokesman for the group said. "I'm on minimum wage while those pricks get to swan off and buy what the fuck they like whilst my three-year-old son is still sucking my wife's breast dry because we can't afford food for him, and I can't get a look-in because of that. But hey, like Bernanke said, we're all fucked. I can understand Annie Lennox whinging about money, she is Scottish after all. But anyways, yeah I'm supposed to be telling you about this group, uh, they aren't getting paid enough, that's it in a nutshell."
Kim wins election running against himself
"Holy Shit! That was so unexpected," says sarcastic neighbour
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il was the unanimous winner in the latest "election" in the communist nation.
The results, announced by Pyongyang on Monday were described as "OH. MY. GOD! No fricking way man, that is like too weird, that is like the most shocking thing in the history of shocking things," by South Korea.
"Seriously, I think if you took a 20,000 vault battery, connected it to my nuts, turned it on whilst jamming an un-lubed guitar up my ass, and telling me my son was gay at the same time; I still would not be as shocked as I am now," added Seoul.
UK:
Blair encouraged to stop being shit at everything he does
"Maybe it's time to call it a day eh To?" encourages Levy
Lord Levy has blasted former prime minister Tony Blair by telling him "maybe you should be shit at something else and let someone who actually knows what they are doing have a go. Why don't you try bowls, thats a good old people sport."
Levy made the comments on BBC 4's Week in Westminster programme on Saturday whilst discussing Blair's recent shot at envoy for the Middle East Quartet.
"I would encourage him to still play a role in the Middle East, just maybe a much smaller role, like watching what happens there on the news, then discussing it over a nice cup of Bovril with Cherie," added the Lord.
BUSINESS:
You're totally screwed
"I am sooooo glad I am not you right now" says Bernanke
US Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke addressed the nation on Tuesday declaring "seriously, you guys are fuckoed, absolutely skee-rewed. I mean, I noticed that things were a little bit wobbly before, but yeah, I am so glad I'm not any of you right now."
Whilst your life falls apart all around you, Bernanke will be sat behind his desk, sipping skinny lattes, wondering what to say next in order to try and scare the shit out of traders world wide and send stocks crashing for the ten thousandth time.
"The economy is fucked, the climate is fucked, unemployment is at an all time high, wow. All I can say is: sucks to be you," added the financial guru.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Big name pop stars whine about not being rich enough
"There is no fucking chance I am sitting in a business class seat," gripe overpaid whingebags
Overpaid pop stars such as Blur, Robbie Williams, and Annie Lennox have united to form a group to whinge about some sort of royalty thing the rest of us struggling to make ends meet just wouldn't understand, it was announced on Wednesday.
The stars are forming the group to protest the fact they are only making a boat load of cash from their songs instead of a shit load.
"OK, first of all, let me just say, I don't get it either," a spokesman for the group said. "I'm on minimum wage while those pricks get to swan off and buy what the fuck they like whilst my three-year-old son is still sucking my wife's breast dry because we can't afford food for him, and I can't get a look-in because of that. But hey, like Bernanke said, we're all fucked. I can understand Annie Lennox whinging about money, she is Scottish after all. But anyways, yeah I'm supposed to be telling you about this group, uh, they aren't getting paid enough, that's it in a nutshell."
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Moscow tries to out-Glasgow Glasgow
"We try drinking lots. Not work. We try heroin maybe now," declares Russian capital
Russia announced on Tuesday that Moscow was attempting to out-do Glasgow by becoming the worlds heroin capital
It is hoped that the board for the European Capital of Culture are keeping close tabs on Moscow so perhaps they can win some much needed cash to inject into the 'mildy fornicated' economy.
The move has met outrage in Glasgow itself with one local, who asked to remain anonymous declaring, "who the fuck's this Russia fella? Ill smash his fuckin heeed in ya hear? Glasgow is oooor tooooown, and neh fuckers gonna take that aweee from us," before stumbling off down the road with a loaf of thick white sliced bread in his hand.
Russians are remaining on the positive however and are hoping the latest influx of the drug from Afghanistan can aid their chances of getting their hands on the loot. "We used to walk around drunk all time, but that was not Glaswegian enough for Russians," declared Vladimir Hicksburgski, a representative of the Kremlin. "So instead we just all get off tits on grade 'A' smack and ask people for spare 10 Rubles to get train back to Paisley."
"We not know how heroin work at first, but then we watch funny gibberish language film 'Trainspotting' and we see exactly what to do. Now hopefully please we have some money from Capital Culture guy for rocket for fire at US of A."
William Doberdean, a Russian expert in the UK said the effort by Russia has promise: "Lets look at this in practical terms," he said. "Moscow has most of the boxes ticked on the way to becoming to the new Glasgow: 1. It's a shithole; 2. It has a high crime rate; 3. 90% of the population are arseholed on cheap vodka; 4. It fucking freezing there; 5. The Russian people on the whole are very racist. Its pretty much mostly there apart from the massive heroin problem, so they are doing everything they can to rectify that, and I doubt the folks at the Capital of Culture haven't noticed. I commend their efforts."
Russia has long been a fan of Scottish heritage with the film 'Braveheart' grossing a whopping $48 million in its opening weekend in the former communist country in 2001, and are hoping that the latest effort by the Kremlin will bring them closer to their dream of becoming the next Glasgow.
"You never know," added Doberdean, "in a few years time, they could have a one-eyed leader who wasn't actually elected. It only takes a rogue pencil to be thrown into the eye of President Medvedev and they might as well start donning kilts and swearing uncontrollably."
Russia announced on Tuesday that Moscow was attempting to out-do Glasgow by becoming the worlds heroin capital
It is hoped that the board for the European Capital of Culture are keeping close tabs on Moscow so perhaps they can win some much needed cash to inject into the 'mildy fornicated' economy.
The move has met outrage in Glasgow itself with one local, who asked to remain anonymous declaring, "who the fuck's this Russia fella? Ill smash his fuckin heeed in ya hear? Glasgow is oooor tooooown, and neh fuckers gonna take that aweee from us," before stumbling off down the road with a loaf of thick white sliced bread in his hand.
Russians are remaining on the positive however and are hoping the latest influx of the drug from Afghanistan can aid their chances of getting their hands on the loot. "We used to walk around drunk all time, but that was not Glaswegian enough for Russians," declared Vladimir Hicksburgski, a representative of the Kremlin. "So instead we just all get off tits on grade 'A' smack and ask people for spare 10 Rubles to get train back to Paisley."
"We not know how heroin work at first, but then we watch funny gibberish language film 'Trainspotting' and we see exactly what to do. Now hopefully please we have some money from Capital Culture guy for rocket for fire at US of A."
William Doberdean, a Russian expert in the UK said the effort by Russia has promise: "Lets look at this in practical terms," he said. "Moscow has most of the boxes ticked on the way to becoming to the new Glasgow: 1. It's a shithole; 2. It has a high crime rate; 3. 90% of the population are arseholed on cheap vodka; 4. It fucking freezing there; 5. The Russian people on the whole are very racist. Its pretty much mostly there apart from the massive heroin problem, so they are doing everything they can to rectify that, and I doubt the folks at the Capital of Culture haven't noticed. I commend their efforts."
Russia has long been a fan of Scottish heritage with the film 'Braveheart' grossing a whopping $48 million in its opening weekend in the former communist country in 2001, and are hoping that the latest effort by the Kremlin will bring them closer to their dream of becoming the next Glasgow.
"You never know," added Doberdean, "in a few years time, they could have a one-eyed leader who wasn't actually elected. It only takes a rogue pencil to be thrown into the eye of President Medvedev and they might as well start donning kilts and swearing uncontrollably."
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Disney 'have absolutely no new ideas'
"We ain't got shit," claims animator
Disney announced today they would be releasing a succession of films following on from the highly successful 'High School Musical' through different stages of life after high school, confirming that they have absolutely no new ideas.
Titles such as 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical' will be available soon and filming for 'Old Peoples Home Musical' is scheduled to begin in 2017, with Joan-Rivers tipped to take the leading female role alongside star of 'The OC' Alan Dale, better known as Jim Robinson from 'Neighbours'.
Some of the soundtracks that will feature in the films have already been written and a preliminary copy of them was attained earlier. Hits for each feature will include:
From the score 'College Musical':
-"I slept with loads of guys and now it burns when I pee"
-"I spiked your drink to have my wicked way with you"
-"Shit, I forgot that was due today, quick, let me copy yours"
-"Passed out drunk in a pool of my own vomit"
From the score 'Living With My Parents Till I Get Off The Dole Musical':
-"The fella behind me stinks of stale piss"
-"Can you lend us a tenner for a pack of B&H, just till Giro day?"
-"Get off the fucking couch and go look for a job you worthless piece of shit, I can't believe you came out of me, you were an accident anyway"
-"On the dole and outta luck"
From the score 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical':
-"Slept with my boss at the Christmas do"
-"Accidentally CC'ed a racist email to my half-cast co-worker"
-"I think that computer tech guy was taking the piss out of me"
-"I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna shoot this fucking place up"
From the score 'Old Peoples Home Musical':
-"You'll never guess who just died, Betty from down the hall"
-"Little sweet old lady, why are you so racist?"
-"Time for your medication, Ethel"
-"In love, and incontinent"
Disney are also reportedly mulling making prequels to the 'High School Musical' collection such as 'Playschool Musical', and 'Don't Worry I Swear I'll Pull Out Musical'.
Disney announced today they would be releasing a succession of films following on from the highly successful 'High School Musical' through different stages of life after high school, confirming that they have absolutely no new ideas.
Titles such as 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical' will be available soon and filming for 'Old Peoples Home Musical' is scheduled to begin in 2017, with Joan-Rivers tipped to take the leading female role alongside star of 'The OC' Alan Dale, better known as Jim Robinson from 'Neighbours'.
Some of the soundtracks that will feature in the films have already been written and a preliminary copy of them was attained earlier. Hits for each feature will include:
From the score 'College Musical':
-"I slept with loads of guys and now it burns when I pee"
-"I spiked your drink to have my wicked way with you"
-"Shit, I forgot that was due today, quick, let me copy yours"
-"Passed out drunk in a pool of my own vomit"
From the score 'Living With My Parents Till I Get Off The Dole Musical':
-"The fella behind me stinks of stale piss"
-"Can you lend us a tenner for a pack of B&H, just till Giro day?"
-"Get off the fucking couch and go look for a job you worthless piece of shit, I can't believe you came out of me, you were an accident anyway"
-"On the dole and outta luck"
From the score 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical':
-"Slept with my boss at the Christmas do"
-"Accidentally CC'ed a racist email to my half-cast co-worker"
-"I think that computer tech guy was taking the piss out of me"
-"I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna shoot this fucking place up"
From the score 'Old Peoples Home Musical':
-"You'll never guess who just died, Betty from down the hall"
-"Little sweet old lady, why are you so racist?"
-"Time for your medication, Ethel"
-"In love, and incontinent"
Disney are also reportedly mulling making prequels to the 'High School Musical' collection such as 'Playschool Musical', and 'Don't Worry I Swear I'll Pull Out Musical'.
'Its true what they say about black men,' says Brown
"No wonder they call him 'The Chief Of The Staff'," claims PM
Prime Minister Gordon Brown's meeting with US President Barack Obama went 'rather spiffingly' according to the Labour leader.
Brown emerged from the Southwest suite at the White House earlier today tucking in his shirt, wiping the corner of his mouth, and checking his hair in the mirror.
Brown told reporters this afternoon, regarding the meeting: "Well, put it this way, what he had to show me was impressive, veeeeeerrry impressive. Not seen one like that in my time, it certainly is true what they say about black men."
Asked what he meant by these comments, the Scot continued, "we had a nice 'chat' if ya know what I mean, eh, eh, wink wink, nudge nudge, 'ows yer father, hubba hubba," before wolf whistling then leaning on the podium with a smug grin, and winking at the members of the press conference, making his hand into a claw shape and adding, "grrrrrr".
Barack Obama, then emerged from the same suite twenty minutes later with bleary eyes, yawning, and with a satisfied smile on his face, winked at the UK Premier, then Brown went on to tell the press, "lets just say that I wasn't the only one-eyed monster in the Presidents bedroom," as both leaders giggled like a pair of naughty school girls.
The newly elected Chief of staff then joined Brown at the US podium, declaring, "we now share a special bond. Lets just say, I think Gordon will definitely NOT be going back," going on to say "what Gordy did to me.. I mean said to me in there, was something that pleased me greatly, and we have an unbreakable bond now."
Brown is expected to speak to Congress later to remind them to "sort this train wreck of an economy out."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown's meeting with US President Barack Obama went 'rather spiffingly' according to the Labour leader.
Brown emerged from the Southwest suite at the White House earlier today tucking in his shirt, wiping the corner of his mouth, and checking his hair in the mirror.
Brown told reporters this afternoon, regarding the meeting: "Well, put it this way, what he had to show me was impressive, veeeeeerrry impressive. Not seen one like that in my time, it certainly is true what they say about black men."
Asked what he meant by these comments, the Scot continued, "we had a nice 'chat' if ya know what I mean, eh, eh, wink wink, nudge nudge, 'ows yer father, hubba hubba," before wolf whistling then leaning on the podium with a smug grin, and winking at the members of the press conference, making his hand into a claw shape and adding, "grrrrrr".
Barack Obama, then emerged from the same suite twenty minutes later with bleary eyes, yawning, and with a satisfied smile on his face, winked at the UK Premier, then Brown went on to tell the press, "lets just say that I wasn't the only one-eyed monster in the Presidents bedroom," as both leaders giggled like a pair of naughty school girls.
The newly elected Chief of staff then joined Brown at the US podium, declaring, "we now share a special bond. Lets just say, I think Gordon will definitely NOT be going back," going on to say "what Gordy did to me.. I mean said to me in there, was something that pleased me greatly, and we have an unbreakable bond now."
Brown is expected to speak to Congress later to remind them to "sort this train wreck of an economy out."
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