Parents to be set on fire to stop kids from smoking

"This'll stop the little bastards well in their tracks," says government

The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.

The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.

The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.

"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."

"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."

Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.

"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."

The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.

"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.