News in Brief

A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 25th of March, 2009

Brown denies split over economy
"Economy? What could you possibly be talking about?" asks Prime Minister

Obama pledges economic recovery
"If I keep telling them it'll be OK, they will eventually believe it, its kinda like getting a girl to lose her virginity to you, eventually she'll let you put it in" US leader heard whispering to aide

UK to probe Bangladeshi arms
"We estimate that there are approximately two arms per person," estimates watchdog

School lunch rules 'too strict'
"Detention? All I did was flick a bit of lumpy mash dished out to me by a flabby armed 40-a-day chain smoker. You people are Nazis," complains unruly school child

Britton quits ITV's This Morning
"If only we could get Britain to do the same, we might actually get to watch some half-decent day time TV," wish UK's layabouts

Grandparenting 'should be paid'
"Reeking of stale piss, telling kids it 'wasn't like this in our day', and loogying on a tissue to wipe chocolate of a child's face is surely worth a bit of wedge," complain OAP's

NHS 'failings' over elderly falls
"Yay, we're not killing so many old people" rejoices health organisation

Trust in social workers 'dented'
"Apparently the public are not convinced we are doing a good job when all these kids keep dying due to neglect. Personally, I blame the parents," says children's advocate

'Boring' insurance giant weathers the storm
"Its so fun to lay people off and piss off the general public on a daily basis, you should try it you boring gang of twats," AIG bosses tell financially sound insurance company

Tinnitus cure 'is a step closer'
"Is that the phone? I think its the phone.. yeah, that's definitely the phone, could someone get that... will someone please just answer that fucking phone," pleads sufferer

Lahore attack 'to change cricket'
"Yes, shooting lethal bullets at the opposition team is surely a slightly unfair advantage," says sporting guru

1,200 HSBC staff face the axe
"Um, yeah, I know we said we weren't going to replace you all with automated machines... but... we've replaced you all with automated machines," 'worlds bank' sheepishly tells naive staff

Vandals attack home of ex-RBS chief
"Sorry, wrong house," HSBC workers tell sir Fred