Government plans to stalk the shit out of you on Facebook

"We hooked up in 2003 and it was horrendous for you," government to put as 'how you know each other'

Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.

The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.

The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.

"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.

The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.

Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.

For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.

A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."

"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."

Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.