Scooby's blog

News in Brief

2009-04-07T08:26:00.002+01:00

A look back at today's headlines on Monday 6th April 2009
'Death camp Nazi' can be deported
"Shit. This can not end well for me," declares ex-member of the Third Reich

Schindler's List found in Sydney
"I have been looking for this for fucking ages, you wouldn't believe the number of Blockbusters' stores I've been in," says avid movie fan

Thai man jailed for royal insult
"He's royally screwed, we're putting him in E-wing, that's where we keep all the rapists," Prison chief tells court

Home Office website linked to porn
"We always knew they were a gigantic gang of wankers, now we have proof," says Internet whizz

MP expenses probe to be televised
"But we are going to charge you for watching it. Gotta make up the cash somewhere," say crooked lawmakers

History to stay in new curriculum
"Thank fuck for that," sigh history teachers

UN: no immediate action against North Korea
"We will let them off this time, it was just a fancy looking firework after all," World body declares

Robinho cleared after rape investigation
"Sorry, we didn't realise you were a footballer, you can stick your cock where ever you god damn please," investigators tell soccer star

News in Brief

2009-04-01T19:35:00.002+01:00

A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 1st of April, 2009

Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate

Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners

Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman

Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group

Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media

Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor

GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant

'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press

Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily

Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces

Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer

Parents to be set on fire to stop kids from smoking

2009-04-01T19:33:00.003+01:00

"This'll stop the little bastards well in their tracks," says government

The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.

The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.

The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.

"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."

"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."

Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.

"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."

The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.

"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.

News in Brief

2009-03-26T17:14:00.005Z

A look back at today's headlines on Thursday the 26th of March, 2009

Clinton admits US blame on drugs
"If we didn't supply the lack of social welfare and the crackheads, you wouldn't supply the crack," Secretary of State tells Mexico

Councils 'ignored Iceland risks'
"We thought the problem would go away, but the chavs are still there, hanging around outside" admit bungling chiefs

Circumcision urged to cut sex infections
"If you cut off your penis, there is no way it can get infected," Doctor Nick-style surgeon suggests

Sudan cattle clashes 'kill 750'
"MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," recounts scarred survivor

Plans for abortion advice TV ads
"It'll be a sort of 'Blue Peter' style how to guide. 'All you need is a coat hanger..' that sort of thing, I'd get your pickets ready if you're pro-life," announces Ofcom

UK torture intelligence 'dilemma'
"We don't know whether to connect the electric current to their nuts, or just to the tip," ponders intelligence agency

God 'will not give happy ending'
"You will all die a horrible fiery death," assures Archbishop

Drink and drugs cost Scots £5bn
World economy suffers whilst Jocks enjoy cocktail of class A's whilst pissing wages up the wall

Locals deride £2m St Helens sculpture
"Couldn't we just get a new Greggs instead? Do you know how many pies that £2 million could buy us," whinge Woolybacks

Sea levels 'impossible' to defend against
"We tried firing our guns at the sea. Nothing. Must be al-Qaeda trained," declares Ministry of Defence

Scientists grow a living human 'brain'
"Despite being in a jar, and not actually functioning, it still has more intelligence and personality than any Big Brother contestant ever," claims scientist

Therapists to cure 'the gayness'

2009-03-26T17:09:00.003Z

"Hey, you! Don't be silly, get your arse away from that man's willy!" announced as new anti-bumming slogan

Therapists are to offer new treatments in an effort to halt bumming, as all efforts so far, have failed to work on anyone even remotely fond of the colour pink.

Anti-gay therapists said that they have developed new unproven strategies to cure these sinners of their horrific ungodly urges and hope to have rid the UK completely of knob jockey's by the year 2012, just in time for the London Olympics.

"Everything we have tried to date has failed," said therapist Doctor Karl Therapist, the pioneering therapist in this new method, "first, we tried putting them in prison, that didn't work, it just encouraged more bumming. Then we tried whipping them, but they enjoyed that too much. We tried electrode therapy but we didn't actually know what that was, so we shelved that idea. Finally, we tried talking with them about their feelings, but that was just playing into their own hands. This new idea will hopefully work."

"We really do need to exterminate this terrible illness in time for the Olympics," he continued, "the Chinese are coming over, they don't even like disabled people for fucks sake, never mind homs, imagine if they were to see a woofter in a wheelchair, they'd never come back. The effects on our tourist industry could be absolutely devastating, we must all pray this works."

Speculation is rife as to what the new treatment will be but plans are being kept secret in case 'the devils minions' attempt to counteract these methods.

Other failed methods in the past include:
-The 80's acclaimed 'AID's scare' where a menopausal witch named Margaret Thatcher encourages males not to insert organs into each other 'else we'll end up like Africa you filthy, filthy boys'

-The 'too much of a bad thing' method which most people are familiar with when caught smoking by their parents and encouraged to smoke a whole pack at once. This method includes rimming an entire gay club one man at a time when caught rear-ending a fellow male.

-The 'if your hand is bigger than your face method' where young men are informed that if their hand is bigger than their face they are destined for a life of buggery, then when placing the hand over the face in order to check, a swift fist to the back of the hand is administered to ensure they learn that a broken nose is the consequence for any form of homosexual activity whatsoever

When asked what the treatments would be for Lesbianism, Therapist said there was no cure for that in the foreseeable future, adding "come on, even the Chinese love a bit of poon on poon. We're not trying to cure straight blokes for fucks sake."

News in Brief

2009-03-25T23:49:00.006Z

A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 25th of March, 2009

Brown denies split over economy
"Economy? What could you possibly be talking about?" asks Prime Minister

Obama pledges economic recovery
"If I keep telling them it'll be OK, they will eventually believe it, its kinda like getting a girl to lose her virginity to you, eventually she'll let you put it in" US leader heard whispering to aide

UK to probe Bangladeshi arms
"We estimate that there are approximately two arms per person," estimates watchdog

School lunch rules 'too strict'
"Detention? All I did was flick a bit of lumpy mash dished out to me by a flabby armed 40-a-day chain smoker. You people are Nazis," complains unruly school child

Britton quits ITV's This Morning
"If only we could get Britain to do the same, we might actually get to watch some half-decent day time TV," wish UK's layabouts

Grandparenting 'should be paid'
"Reeking of stale piss, telling kids it 'wasn't like this in our day', and loogying on a tissue to wipe chocolate of a child's face is surely worth a bit of wedge," complain OAP's

NHS 'failings' over elderly falls
"Yay, we're not killing so many old people" rejoices health organisation

Trust in social workers 'dented'
"Apparently the public are not convinced we are doing a good job when all these kids keep dying due to neglect. Personally, I blame the parents," says children's advocate

'Boring' insurance giant weathers the storm
"Its so fun to lay people off and piss off the general public on a daily basis, you should try it you boring gang of twats," AIG bosses tell financially sound insurance company

Tinnitus cure 'is a step closer'
"Is that the phone? I think its the phone.. yeah, that's definitely the phone, could someone get that... will someone please just answer that fucking phone," pleads sufferer

Lahore attack 'to change cricket'
"Yes, shooting lethal bullets at the opposition team is surely a slightly unfair advantage," says sporting guru

1,200 HSBC staff face the axe
"Um, yeah, I know we said we weren't going to replace you all with automated machines... but... we've replaced you all with automated machines," 'worlds bank' sheepishly tells naive staff

Vandals attack home of ex-RBS chief
"Sorry, wrong house," HSBC workers tell sir Fred

Government plans to stalk the shit out of you on Facebook

2009-03-25T23:44:00.006Z

"We hooked up in 2003 and it was horrendous for you," government to put as 'how you know each other'

Authorities plan to befriend you on Facebook in a 'Big Brother' style initiative to find out what you are stealing from them now, it was announced today.

The new plans were accidentally leaked to the press today by Stephen Hicksburgh, a government agent.

The plans were discovered by an old friend who hadn't seen or heard from Hicksburgh since Year 8 at school when Hicksburgh's father, a bank manager, was moved from the Swindon branch to the Crawley branch of Midlands bank.

"Well I was just logging on to see what my Mighty Boosh quote of the day was, when I looked down my news feed and saw 'Stephen Hicksburgh is checking for benefit thieves LOL!' as his status update, I couldn't believe my eyes," said the anonymous Facebook friend, and ex-school chum of Hicksburgh.

The plans, pieced together based on various status updates and wall scribblings from different government agents connected to Hicksburgh, reveal that the government will: 'spunk chlamydia infested wads' into the tea of those collecting disability benefits illegally; 'throw bags of flaming dog shit' at the houses of those who are signing on the dole whilst working; and 'bum into next week' those who insist on not paying council tax.

Authorities plan to target males by making thousands of fake Facebook profiles headed with pictures of slutty looking girls who will then friends request you. A swift look at their profiles will reveal a single relationship status, with a 'looking for' description as 'a bloody good rogering by anyone who's up for it, no strings' as recent studies reveal that men love a slapper, but don't like the idea of anyone else giving her one.

For the female swindlers, the Facebook profiles will contain a male figure dressed in shining armour a top a white unicorn (which, according to an insider, will actually just be a pony with a Black & Decker drill piece glued between its eyes) with the relationship status set at 'its complicated' because women love a man who's deep, and the 'looking for' description set to 'someone to feed chocolate to and look after when they're on the bleed' because apparently, women love that.

A government spokesman revealed: "it all started out as a plan to see what terrorists were planning to do next, I mean that Muktar Ibrahim fella from the failed 21/7 bombings updated his status three hours after the attack with 'Muktar Ibrahim is gutted he didn't get those virgins he was promised' and then wrote on his mates wall 'OMG! That's the last time I buy my bombs off you! ROFLMAO!', that's actually how we caught them, none of that CIA shit, just Facebook."

"So we thought, 'hey, lets just start stalking everyone on Facebook' so we can see which one of you dead beats is stealing from us now."

Friends requests are expected to go out in the next few weeks and "I went to work instead of signing off the dole", "lets hope the feds don't find out what I'm up to", and "I love to tango at night, but pretend to be disabled during the day" are tipped to be the first group invitations sent out by the initiative.

News in Brief

2009-03-24T18:26:00.012Z

A look back at today's headlines on Tuesday the 24th of March, 2009

US 'needs new Pakistan strategy'
"Believe it or not, losing was not in our original plans," declares Western nation

Europe 'must lead downturn fight'
"If we all just sit there waiting for America to do something, we could be sat there for quite sometime," Brown prods EU

Violence flares at Dalai Lama peace conference
"Oh the sweet, motherfucking irony," laughs Spiritual leader

Suicide attack on Iraqi funeral
"Two birds, one stone and all that," says madman before blowing himself into a million pieces

Call to 'shut down' Google Street View
"The British public is up in arms about absolutely fuck all yet again. This reminds me of time no one heard me tell Andrew Sachs my friend had pork-sworded his granddaughter and kicked off about it," says completely anonymous TV star

Naked Taoiseach paintings removed
"Please remove that painting of the naked fat man from the wall," plead disgusted Irish MP's

'Prophet carpet' goes for $5.5m
"That's a hell of a profit for the prophet, eh, eh, eh, here all week, try the veal," declares 70s-style comedian auctioneer

Big websites urged to avoid pop-ups
"Masturbating teens don't need pop-ups overtaking the screen whilst they are scurrying to put their erect penises away," Internet companies told

Microsoft launches latest browser
"We are proud to bring to you the latest software that will enable hackers to access your bank account details faster, more accurately, and with almost no hassle from the authorities," says computer company

Teacher numbers fall by 1,000
"You mean teachers don't enjoy being told to fuck off and threatened with a knife on a daily basis?" question bemused pupils

Gene 'has key schizophrenia role'
"We have discovered new information about this disease, and we wish to assure all sufferers: You are not alone, hahahaha, sorry, sorry, I just couldn't resist, I'll be serious now," announces tickled scientist

Government announces plans for massive nationwide sychronous bowel movement

2009-03-24T18:20:00.002Z

"What we are hoping for is a sort of New Years Eve-style countdown, ending with one, well-timed, simultaneous dump," says spokesman

The government today announced plans to make everyone in the UK foul themselves at the exact same time.

Secret talks have now been being held behind closed doors for six months to discuss a strategy which will cause all citizens in the UK to shit their pants at precisely the same time.

Government warnings about everything you touch causing some form of terminal illness, massive rises in unemployment that will directly affect you and your family that will surely soon die because of something you did to do with global warming, and the undeniably real threat that al-Qaeda will soon take over your local branch of Tescos simply to poison the asparagus you will be purchasing for dinner next Tuesday, have have slowly been on the rise since the beginning of 2009.

The government is hoping that all these small warnings will slowly begin gripping you, and causing that feeling you get when you are called into your bosses office for no apparent reason when you know you have been fucking about on the Internet all day when you should have been doing something productive.

Then, whilst they have your undivided attention, the government will then release four simultaneous giant warnings which will cause you to get the massive urge to drop your load no matter where you happen to be.

Speculation on what those warnings could actually be has had experts on government warnings' chins wagging as they attempt to guess what bomb-shells they will announce on the day the big plan takes effect and the shit hits the fan, the floor, the chair, the bloke behind you on the tube, basically, everything.

An inside source who refused to be named said: "It will probably be some sort of flashing warning, breaking in during a show which everyone is watching like an episode of Coronation Street where we announced they were killing off Gail Platt, because lets face it, who wouldn't want to watch that bitch cop it?"

"Then, just as she's about to croak, the emergency broadcast system will jump into action, with lights flashing, booming something like 'Ruby Wax is actually your mother' or 'John Leslie is at your door right now' causing everyone to absolutely gravy themselves"

The date for the announcements has not been released, however, experts are predicting that it will be some time in June when the weather is warm and there is a heatwave caused by global warming that was your fault so that the freshly laid fecal matter from everyone will cause a gigantic stench throughout the whole of the UK, making the entire country smell like Peterborough.

News in Brief

2009-03-23T15:53:00.004Z

A look back at today's headlines on Monday the 23rd of March, 2009

US details toxic asset programme
"This is a list of things that we can kill you with," boasts world superpower

Trial starts for Mumbai suspect
"We only say suspect so it looks like a fair trial, we all know he's going down like a poorly equipped White Star liner on her maiden voyage," states judge

Angry OAP posts pension 'rise' back to Prime Minister
"You can put this twenty five pence towards your expenses, you massive mound of cock gobblers," irate geriatric shouts whilst shaking fist in general direction of Houses of Parliament

BNP cop is first to be fired
"Beating up minorities is not what our organisation is about, well, it is, but not in your spare time," explains Scotland Yard chief

Daily Mail group cuts 1,000 jobs
"It's been twelve years, we just don't need all these Diana stories anymore," declares daily waffler

Griffiths says he is 'ashamed' over cheating claims
"I hang my head in shame, she is an absolute munter," says disgraced MP

Police 'heavy-handed at protests'
"Okay, okay, perhaps stamping on the protesters heads was a bad idea," police admit

Bank heads give back stock options
"We'll keep the cash, but you can have these back. They aren't worth shit anyways," bank chiefs repent

US bikini wax ban plans ditched
"OK, we let you vote to stop you whinging, but this is definitely not what the whole suffrage thing was about. There's no way we will allow hairy growlers, this isn't the 70's for fucks sake," male lawmakers inform female Senators

Paris youths in row over condoms
"If ze pup sez we don't need zem, zen we don't need zem," French boys tell casual sexual acquaintances

UFO sighting revealed to be a hoax
"A drawing of a space ship on a napkin in crayon does not constitute 'photographic evidence'" Lauds Home Office

Lady GaGa has 'never actually played poker'

2009-03-23T15:41:00.007Z

"No wonder you can't read her bastard poker face, she doesn't sodding have one," says music industry expert

Chart topping singer Lady GaGa caused uproar in the music community today when an undercover investigation revealed that she has never actually played poker.

The shocking discovery was made when an industry insider challenged the singer to a game of Texas Hold'em and when she sat down informed them that they would have to explain the rules to her.

"I asked if she fancied a round of Hold'em with me and my friends since she claimed her poker face was so good," said whistle blower Randy Hicksburgh, "she asked what I meant by this, I thought it strange at first but then dismissed it thinking that maybe she was just a 'stud', or 'straight' poker kinda gal. Turns out the lying bitch has never touched a deck of cards in her fucking life!"

"That just enraged me, I've been playing poker for ten years, I've played with the best in the biz, and for someone to blatantly throw around claims that her poker face is better than Gus 'The Great Dane' Hansen's is just downright disrespectful to all involved in the game."

The lyrics from the song entitled 'poker face', clearly state "can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face," and later in the song go on to add "P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face mum mum mum mah P-p-p-poker face, P-p-p-poker face," in a blatant taunting of a fictional opponent.

However, these claims were blown out of the water by Hicksburgh, and she is now suffering the backlash from this miscarriage of justice, which threaten to derail her quest for total domination of the music world.

The revelation has caused a public outcry for the singer to be stripped of her number one position in the charts from professionals within the music industry, as well as the gambling community in countries all over the world.

Distraught Lady GaGa fans were being comforted by relatives today, with school attendance at its lowest since Wednesday the 14th of February, 1996, the day after Take That announced they were disbanding.

"Its made me question the value of all songs in the music industry," claimed one distraught fan from Leeds through tears. "Next you'll be telling me that it does actually matter to Michael Jackson about your racial status, Prodigy are not the arsonists that they claim to be, or that Right Said Fred is actually the appropriate proportion of sexy for his shirt, and that it doesn't really cause him any form of physical pain whatsoever."

New in Brief

2009-03-21T19:40:00.001Z

A look back at the headlines from the past two days on 21st March, 2009

Obama sorry for disability remark
"Sorry if I offended any Spacca's," President apologises

Iran partially accepts US outreach
"We like to make fun of the cripples too," nuclear threat tells Obama

Pope condemns African corruption
"You should be raping without contraception, you animals," Papal leader chides rapists

Total liable for Buncefield blast
"They were your flammable gasses, and your sparks that caused it. Tell me, how is it not your fault again?" asks judge

Online game gets banking licence
"Its actually more stable than any of the real banks," declares Fed chief

NZ plane birth charges 'likely'
Ryanair to charge £6 for going into labour aboard one of its flights

Girl gets organs from father
"And no, we're not talking about the Fritzl's this time," says quick witted hospital spokesman

Pink elephant caught on camera
"See I told you I wasn't high," boasts stoned photographer

People find themselves on Google street view service
"Shouldn't you lot be working?" employers ask bored employees

Chamberlin leaves Smashing Pumpkins
"They were still going?" ask music fans

Sandwich makers criticise guidelines
"If I want to deposit a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle, then I fucking well will put a smidgen of arse gravy in your ham, cheese & pickle," declares bread filler

Manager tries to turn football team into chapter of the Klan

2009-03-21T16:58:00.008Z

Coach turns out to be a Kleagle

An under-10s football Manager was sacked from his post for attempting to turn the team into a chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.

Coach Michael Joveson was rumbled when the new training kit, financed by Chad Maverickson - an active member of the White Supremacy group, showed up at the houses of bewildered parents.

"It was mad, I thought the missus had got hold of my MasterCard again, she was watching the shopping channel the other day and they were advertising a bathroom set, I thought she'd gone ahead and bought one," said one angry parent of a child who played for Hangleton Rangers youth team.

Joveson was sacked under a breach of the FA rule which states that "football kits must not carry any kind of political message plus that whole 'kick racism out of football' campaign that we've spent a fair bit of coin on," according to an FA statement.

"My son is renowned for his overactive imagination. So when he told us that the coach had asked the boys to refer to him as the 'Grand High Wizard," said Toby Hicksburg, a shocked parent of one of the players, "turns out he wasn't fucking about, he really was a massive racist."

According to one of the boys, training sessions involved dressing in the robes, which had previously been supplied on training day by the coach, and standing in a circle doing passing drills around a burning cross whilst chanting. The two assistant managers rode horses throughout the training sessions, with the horses also dressed in white hoods.

Players were also encouraged to target players of the opposite team who were 'darker' and coaches would routinely ask larger players to man mark players of the opposite team who were clearly of a foreign origin.

"It all falls into place now," added Hicksburg, "Big Dan is the best keeper we have, and he's got a beast of a left foot. The coach put him up at right midfield and we were all flabbergasted at the decision. Turns out, the kid playing in left midfield was Chinese, ended up going off on a stretcher, but oh well, his parents own the local chippy, and they forgot my prawn crackers once so I was kinda happy about it. 'Teach the bastards a lesson' I thought at the time."

"At first, I thought Joveson was really friendly with little Stevie Lynch's parents, he always said he was off to the Lynch party, but.... shit, that's a point, I haven't seen Akinwa for a good few weeks now. Bollocks, I hope he hasn't.... you know.... shit, he was our best striker and all."

News in Brief

2009-03-18T16:41:00.006Z

A quick look at today's headline's on Wednesday the 18th of March, 2009

Fritzl pleads guilty
"I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for those pesky kids!" rues Austrian, as case takes Scooby-Doo style twist

New questions over torture policy
"We want answers. What non-lethal method would you recommend best for getting them quickly?" commission asks intelligence agency

Fathers 4 Justice pair arrested at airport
"Despite being dressed as 'Superman', you are unable to fly today," police tell unruly dads

US to force AIG to repay bonuses
"Give us back that cash, or we break your fucking knee caps," Washington tells troubled insurer

Curbs on risky banking proposed
"Taking a customer's life savings down to Stanley's casino, and placing it all on red is NOT good banking," Turner tells financial deadbeats

French Connection loses millions in 2008
"We're absolutely Fcuk-ed," fashion giant announces

Usain Bolt to run on Manchester streets
"Lets see how cocky the bastard is when he has a gang of tooled-up teenage hoodies chasing him," says city Mayor

Report: British children gagging to be felt up by paedophiles

2009-03-18T16:34:00.005Z

British children are absolutely gagging for a fingering from a paedophile according to a report published today.

The report by organisation 'The S.O. Register', focusing on childhood trends whilst online, revealed that 68 percent of British children were chatting to paedophiles on the Internet, but were not aware of the consequences of these actions, or indeed the risks involved when being touched up by a nonce.

British parents were also found to be lagging behind on what they know about their children's' computer habits with with most parents believing the average exposure to paedophiles online is 18.5 hours a week, while the actual average exposure is 45.6 hours a week.

"The Internet is a fantastic place to meet paedophiles, don't get me wrong," claimed Fred Langton, the leader of the study. "But parents need to be wary of how much time their kids actually spend chatting to paedophiles. Whilst they are young and impressionable, these may seem like the sexual prime of their life, but when they reach the age of sixteen, their so-called 'special friends' will have no qualms about dropping them like a sack of shit for a younger model."

The report came with a list of five things to talk to your children about when baiting kiddy fiddlers' online, with tips from Langton:

1. Always give specific instructions to where you live, give a house number and a postcode if necessary.
- "There's nothing worse for a paedophile than driving round forever, looking for Ruby Street, when you meant Ruby Drive."

2. Always tell them what school you go to
- "Just because your parents tell you you're beautiful, doesn't mean you are, giving them a contingency plan is just polite."

3. Meet somewhere private
- "Remember, paedophiles are your friend, you wouldn't want to get a friend in trouble now would you?"

4. Never lie about your age
- "Remember, nonces can get quite agitated if they are expecting a ten-year-old and some smart-ass 16-year-old rocks up. If your too old, get out of the game."

5. When going to meet a nonce, take precautions
- "That first time can be pretty sore, make sure to take some form of lube with you, they may also have friends they want to share you with, so take a pack of Durex as well."

The report also found that the Internet was helping to cement family ties, with nearly one-third of children befriending their parents on a social networking site.

"It's important for children to be able to look at pictures of their parents posing as drunken twats while they aren't around," added Langton. "Many kids have no evidence of their parents getting so drunk they can't see, then throwing up all over themselves, so its easy for parents to point the finger when a child is dropped off at home by the police half cut."

"This way, children can look their parents square in the eye and say: 'fuck you Mum, fuck you in the face! You were much worse on Saturday night, Dad tagged the pictures of you, I'm off for another Jose Cuervo and there's nothing you can do to stop me'."

Body with blue folder for a head is actually just a bloke hiding his face, not a new species

2009-03-17T22:57:00.011Z

"Holy crap! We thought we had a real story there," exclaims shocked media

The Press today were astounded to learn that a body, thought to have a A4 folder for a head was not some kind of crazy undiscovered species, but instead, just a guy hiding his face from the worlds' press, using a blue loose-leaf ring-binder because he was embarrassed of what he did.

Designated 'Homoscrinium-caput', Latin for 'folder-head man', the creature was captured ambling into a courtroom in Austria. Initially, word had spread quickly that someone had spotted an entirely new species of human, with a folder for a head, and Press from all over the globe swiftly descended on the sleepy town of St Pölten, in Austria.

Regrettably, hopes were dashed this afternoon when it emerged that "Binder Boy", as the Press has affectionately named him, was actually an Austrian man, named Joseph Fritzl, currently on trial for the incestuous rape, and imprisonment of his daughter, along with the murder of one of the children he fathered with her.

"Well, that’s depressing!" exclaimed Mike Hicksburgh, journalist for the Daily Mail, "I thought that it was gonna be an amazing scoop, something that would grab the attention of your average Joe, something that everyone would be interested in - like a blue folder-headed dude. No, we have to settle instead for the average, run-of-the-mill everyday, 'lock your daughter in a concrete cellar you built in secret with your own two hands for twenty-four years and rape her repeatedly, fathering her seven children' dude. It's just not that interesting really."

"At least with blue folder-headed dude, I could have done some proper investigative digging - maybe he had an affair with Diana? We could actually have some blue folder-headed royalty running about the UK right now? But no, incest in the royal family is nothing new. My editor’s called me off the story now. I've now gotta write a front page leader exposing how immigrants are taking all our jobs and stabbing teens in London," he added.

Toby Doberdean, Foreign “Weirdo Watch” correspondent for The Sun said: "Ah Fuck it, I'll just make some shit up about this folder-head. No one buys The Sun anyways, besides, I've already fabricated six paragraphs about it on the way here. Yep, 'SPECIES 'FOLDER' THAN MAN HIMSELF FOUND' is the headline I'm going with. Did you see what I did? It's a pun, like I've used the word 'folder', instead of 'older', fucking genius mate!"

A source close to the court proceedings has said, "He's pretty much guilty of everything. They’re actually fast-forwarding through the witness testimony to save us all a bit of time.”

“Yadda Yadda... Dad made me a playroom downstairs. Yadda Yadda... he moved in with me part time. Yadda Yadda... my kids all have webbed toes and are scared of the light.”

Austrian Prosecutors have also stated additional charges maybe brought against the man for impersonating a filing aide.

News in Brief

2009-03-16T23:03:00.004Z

A quick roundup of today's events on Monday the 16th of March 2009

Fritzl hears daughters testimony
"Sounds about right to me," Austrian dungeon master thinks to himself

Red Cross accusses CIA of torturing suspects
"Define what you mean by the word 'torturing', exactly," Central Intelligence Agency questions International aid group

Chavez offers use of base to Russia
"Your missiles can reach America much quicker from here," El Presidente offers Kremlin

Bernanke hopeful for US recovery
"Maybe we should all just try crossing our fingers and hope the economy fixes itself. Its fucked, totally fucked," Fed chief announces

Obama doesn't want AIG execs to get bonuses
"Lets be honest, you don't really deserve one now do you," Commander in Chief tells bungling bosses

Health Secretary vetoes plan for booze price rise
"I pissed a lot of politicians off today, I need a fucking drink, and I'm not about to pay a packet for it," exclaims Johnson

Cambridge entry requirements ridiculously high
"You should probably start cheating on your exams now," Pompous University tells hopefuls

Iraqi footballer shot dead as he's about to score
"Why didn't our fans think of that tactic?" United boss thinks aloud

Chinese athletes 'faked their age' according to new report
"We kinda guessed that was the case," rest of the world informs communist sporting community

Hotline set up for dumped shopping trolleys
"We're just sick of being pushed around," declare shopping aides

Science and Research

2009-03-13T16:01:00.004Z

Migraines increase probability of women being a total bitch, so does PMT, but migraines and PMT?

Scientists have bravely undertaken a study into whether women can have a migraine and PMT at the same time.

Migraines have long been known to make a woman even more of a bitch than she potentially could be if she has one, but scientists are looking into the possibility that migraine bitchiness, and pre-menstrual bitchiness, are two completely separate entities that cannot be combined.

The latest study by scientist at the Institute of What The Hell Did I Do This Time, based in Leeds, discovered that woman can be pissed off you at any time they god damn please, however, if they happen to have a migraine, you are warned to stay the fuck out of her way just like when she is pre-menstrual.

Apparently, the pain, which cannot be described although "its definitely not more painful than childbirth, nothing is more painful than childbirth, not even getting kicked in your poor excuse of a package or getting flicked really hard on your bellend, and you should be shot for suggesting that anything could even come close to the pain of childbirth you insensitive prick," according to the results of the study.

It has long been known that a woman can blame a mood swing on anything she likes, and men will continue to grin and bare it since they just want to get laid, however, a recent gathering of men who were booted out of their own homes for some minor infraction at a local boozer, noticed the trend that none of them could name a time that their Missus had booted off at them with it being both of these two factors involved given as the reason.

"It was always one or the other," said one of the local patrons, who outright refused to be named through absolute fear of reprisals, and actually stood behind a screen with a voice changer 'just in case'. "This time it's that time of the month, but a few weeks ago, it was a migraine. Funny how you never get the two together, its like Clarke Kent and Superman."

Scientists are now researching whether it is possible for a woman to have a migraine whilst she is pre-menstrual, or whether that would create what they are describing as a "super-mega-pissed-off-oh-my-god-I-don't-think-even-Hitler-himself-was-this-evil-bitch."

"It's kinda like Y2K," said a leading scientist in the study, "either it turns out the theory just isn't possible, or we'll all die. Personally, I'm shitting one and if you own a pair of testicles, you should be too."

News Roundup

2009-03-12T20:32:00.006Z

INTERNATIONAL:
Kim wins election running against himself

"Holy Shit! That was so unexpected," says sarcastic neighbour

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il was the unanimous winner in the latest "election" in the communist nation.

The results, announced by Pyongyang on Monday were described as "OH. MY. GOD! No fricking way man, that is like too weird, that is like the most shocking thing in the history of shocking things," by South Korea.

"Seriously, I think if you took a 20,000 vault battery, connected it to my nuts, turned it on whilst jamming an un-lubed guitar up my ass, and telling me my son was gay at the same time; I still would not be as shocked as I am now," added Seoul.

UK:
Blair encouraged to stop being shit at everything he does

"Maybe it's time to call it a day eh To?" encourages Levy

Lord Levy has blasted former prime minister Tony Blair by telling him "maybe you should be shit at something else and let someone who actually knows what they are doing have a go. Why don't you try bowls, thats a good old people sport."

Levy made the comments on BBC 4's Week in Westminster programme on Saturday whilst discussing Blair's recent shot at envoy for the Middle East Quartet.

"I would encourage him to still play a role in the Middle East, just maybe a much smaller role, like watching what happens there on the news, then discussing it over a nice cup of Bovril with Cherie," added the Lord.

BUSINESS:
You're totally screwed

"I am sooooo glad I am not you right now" says Bernanke

US Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke addressed the nation on Tuesday declaring "seriously, you guys are fuckoed, absolutely skee-rewed. I mean, I noticed that things were a little bit wobbly before, but yeah, I am so glad I'm not any of you right now."

Whilst your life falls apart all around you, Bernanke will be sat behind his desk, sipping skinny lattes, wondering what to say next in order to try and scare the shit out of traders world wide and send stocks crashing for the ten thousandth time.

"The economy is fucked, the climate is fucked, unemployment is at an all time high, wow. All I can say is: sucks to be you," added the financial guru.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Big name pop stars whine about not being rich enough

"There is no fucking chance I am sitting in a business class seat," gripe overpaid whingebags

Overpaid pop stars such as Blur, Robbie Williams, and Annie Lennox have united to form a group to whinge about some sort of royalty thing the rest of us struggling to make ends meet just wouldn't understand, it was announced on Wednesday.

The stars are forming the group to protest the fact they are only making a boat load of cash from their songs instead of a shit load.

"OK, first of all, let me just say, I don't get it either," a spokesman for the group said. "I'm on minimum wage while those pricks get to swan off and buy what the fuck they like whilst my three-year-old son is still sucking my wife's breast dry because we can't afford food for him, and I can't get a look-in because of that. But hey, like Bernanke said, we're all fucked. I can understand Annie Lennox whinging about money, she is Scottish after all. But anyways, yeah I'm supposed to be telling you about this group, uh, they aren't getting paid enough, that's it in a nutshell."

Moscow tries to out-Glasgow Glasgow

2009-03-11T17:19:00.004Z

"We try drinking lots. Not work. We try heroin maybe now," declares Russian capital

Russia announced on Tuesday that Moscow was attempting to out-do Glasgow by becoming the worlds heroin capital

It is hoped that the board for the European Capital of Culture are keeping close tabs on Moscow so perhaps they can win some much needed cash to inject into the 'mildy fornicated' economy.

The move has met outrage in Glasgow itself with one local, who asked to remain anonymous declaring, "who the fuck's this Russia fella? Ill smash his fuckin heeed in ya hear? Glasgow is oooor tooooown, and neh fuckers gonna take that aweee from us," before stumbling off down the road with a loaf of thick white sliced bread in his hand.

Russians are remaining on the positive however and are hoping the latest influx of the drug from Afghanistan can aid their chances of getting their hands on the loot. "We used to walk around drunk all time, but that was not Glaswegian enough for Russians," declared Vladimir Hicksburgski, a representative of the Kremlin. "So instead we just all get off tits on grade 'A' smack and ask people for spare 10 Rubles to get train back to Paisley."

"We not know how heroin work at first, but then we watch funny gibberish language film 'Trainspotting' and we see exactly what to do. Now hopefully please we have some money from Capital Culture guy for rocket for fire at US of A."

William Doberdean, a Russian expert in the UK said the effort by Russia has promise: "Lets look at this in practical terms," he said. "Moscow has most of the boxes ticked on the way to becoming to the new Glasgow: 1. It's a shithole; 2. It has a high crime rate; 3. 90% of the population are arseholed on cheap vodka; 4. It fucking freezing there; 5. The Russian people on the whole are very racist. Its pretty much mostly there apart from the massive heroin problem, so they are doing everything they can to rectify that, and I doubt the folks at the Capital of Culture haven't noticed. I commend their efforts."

Russia has long been a fan of Scottish heritage with the film 'Braveheart' grossing a whopping $48 million in its opening weekend in the former communist country in 2001, and are hoping that the latest effort by the Kremlin will bring them closer to their dream of becoming the next Glasgow.

"You never know," added Doberdean, "in a few years time, they could have a one-eyed leader who wasn't actually elected. It only takes a rogue pencil to be thrown into the eye of President Medvedev and they might as well start donning kilts and swearing uncontrollably."

Disney 'have absolutely no new ideas'

2009-03-04T18:16:00.008Z

"We ain't got shit," claims animator

Disney announced today they would be releasing a succession of films following on from the highly successful 'High School Musical' through different stages of life after high school, confirming that they have absolutely no new ideas.

Titles such as 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical' will be available soon and filming for 'Old Peoples Home Musical' is scheduled to begin in 2017, with Joan-Rivers tipped to take the leading female role alongside star of 'The OC' Alan Dale, better known as Jim Robinson from 'Neighbours'.

Some of the soundtracks that will feature in the films have already been written and a preliminary copy of them was attained earlier. Hits for each feature will include:

From the score 'College Musical':
-"I slept with loads of guys and now it burns when I pee"
-"I spiked your drink to have my wicked way with you"
-"Shit, I forgot that was due today, quick, let me copy yours"
-"Passed out drunk in a pool of my own vomit"

From the score 'Living With My Parents Till I Get Off The Dole Musical':
-"The fella behind me stinks of stale piss"
-"Can you lend us a tenner for a pack of B&H, just till Giro day?"
-"Get off the fucking couch and go look for a job you worthless piece of shit, I can't believe you came out of me, you were an accident anyway"
-"On the dole and outta luck"

From the score 'Stuck In A Dead-end Job Musical':
-"Slept with my boss at the Christmas do"
-"Accidentally CC'ed a racist email to my half-cast co-worker"
-"I think that computer tech guy was taking the piss out of me"
-"I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna shoot this fucking place up"

From the score 'Old Peoples Home Musical':
-"You'll never guess who just died, Betty from down the hall"
-"Little sweet old lady, why are you so racist?"
-"Time for your medication, Ethel"
-"In love, and incontinent"

Disney are also reportedly mulling making prequels to the 'High School Musical' collection such as 'Playschool Musical', and 'Don't Worry I Swear I'll Pull Out Musical'.

'Its true what they say about black men,' says Brown

2009-03-04T01:26:00.003Z

"No wonder they call him 'The Chief Of The Staff'," claims PM

Prime Minister Gordon Brown's meeting with US President Barack Obama went 'rather spiffingly' according to the Labour leader.

Brown emerged from the Southwest suite at the White House earlier today tucking in his shirt, wiping the corner of his mouth, and checking his hair in the mirror.

Brown told reporters this afternoon, regarding the meeting: "Well, put it this way, what he had to show me was impressive, veeeeeerrry impressive. Not seen one like that in my time, it certainly is true what they say about black men."

Asked what he meant by these comments, the Scot continued, "we had a nice 'chat' if ya know what I mean, eh, eh, wink wink, nudge nudge, 'ows yer father, hubba hubba," before wolf whistling then leaning on the podium with a smug grin, and winking at the members of the press conference, making his hand into a claw shape and adding, "grrrrrr".

Barack Obama, then emerged from the same suite twenty minutes later with bleary eyes, yawning, and with a satisfied smile on his face, winked at the UK Premier, then Brown went on to tell the press, "lets just say that I wasn't the only one-eyed monster in the Presidents bedroom," as both leaders giggled like a pair of naughty school girls.

The newly elected Chief of staff then joined Brown at the US podium, declaring, "we now share a special bond. Lets just say, I think Gordon will definitely NOT be going back," going on to say "what Gordy did to me.. I mean said to me in there, was something that pleased me greatly, and we have an unbreakable bond now."

Brown is expected to speak to Congress later to remind them to "sort this train wreck of an economy out."

Ryanair to charge you for absolutely everything

2009-02-27T12:51:00.003Z

"You owe us," says shitty flight operator

Ryanair today announced plans to charge you for absolutely fucking everything. The Dublin-based carrier said there would now be charges for anything you do, regardless of whether you're flying with Ryanair, or indeed if you've even heard of Ryanair.

Last week Ryanair had announced plans to charge their staff an hourly rate for having the pleasure of working for them. But this week they thought they would go one step further and charge everyone for everything, all the time.

Large, burly debt collectors will be sent round to the houses of everyone in the UK and Ireland to collect the 'mandatory living charge' and those who refuse to pay will be heavily beaten and dragged through the streets whilst 'complyers' throw rotten, unsold egg & watercress sandwiches at them, which they will then in turn, be charged for throwing. There will also be a penalty fine to pay for not purchasing the sandwich in the first place, allowing it to go off.

"You fecker's owe us money," said Michael O'Leary, Chief executive of Ryanair. "Basically, you don't pay, we fuck you up, it's that simple, we own you, we own everything, we are Ryanair, give us your money, give us it now or I'll cut your face, I'm not fucking about here, hand it over."

Janine Hicksburg, spokesperson for Which? market research company said: "Some people have said they are unhappy about this situation and say they won't cave in to bullying but to be quite honest with you, they are Ryanair, they can do whatever the fuck they like, I'm not gonna stop them no sireee, I hold a certain fondness for my knee-caps, and I'd like to keep them thank you kindly."

Hicksburg was then charged £12 'interviewee tax' plus an £8 'answer tax', and our reporter charged '£60 interviewer tax' plus £14 'asking tax' on top of which there was a £32 'talking to a member of the opposite sex tax'.

In total, this article cos over £300 to produce, so any donations to help out can be kindly sent to:

Ryanair Corporate Head Office

Dublin Airport

Co. Dublin

Ireland

Boro fans told to sit down and shut the fuck up

2009-02-24T19:36:00.004Z

"Some of us are trying to be tired and emotional," Pre-menstrual bitch tells angry supporters

A representative of Middlesbrough Football Club has angered its supporters by telling them all to sit down and shut the fuck up.

In a clearly pre-menstrual letter to supporters seated in the North Stand, Sue Watson, Safety Officer for the Riverside stadium, has angered supporters by telling them: "listen, I know its a football match, and you're all excited that Middlesbrough might actually show up and score a goal, and you want to encourage them because lets face it, they need all the help they can get, but for fuck's sake, do it quietly."

She went on to explain "when we played Wigan on Saturday, there was someone banging on the panel at the back the ENTIRE! FUCKING! GAME! I'm already feeling bloated, I don't need a bastard headache as well. If I ever find you, you better watch your back, your mother will weep when she see's what I've done to you."

Boro fans reacted angrily with many supporters calling for Watson to "Stiiiiiickk your letter up your arse... stiiiiiick your leeeetter up your arse."

James Hicksburg, a Boro fan from Billingham said: "this is why women shouldn't go to football games, unless they're making the half time butties. Seriously, her husband should be shot for letting her out of the kitchen in the first place. She has a face like an autistic rabbit
anyways."

"I remember the days at Ayresome Park, women weren't allowed in there, we never had any bother," he continued.

However, one fan from the Berwick Hills, supported the decision. Stanley, who did not wish to give his last name for fear of reprisals said "hold on a minute, she may be a woman, but she has got a point, of which we don't have many. Take Old Trafford for example, you go there on a
match day and you can hear an ant fart at the other end of the stadium its that quiet and they won the league last year. We make more noise than 10,000 tired, cranky toddlers on cocaine, and we're shite, maybe we should give the silence thing a go."

Watson's husband, Damion, has reportedly sent a follow up letter to all fans who received the original asking "what the fuck did you boy's do on Saturday? Normally this time of the month she's a little bit whingey, but holy shit she was pissed off, it feels like I'm living with Satan himself at the mo, I had to make my own beans on toast last night. Man-to-man, I beg you to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up, just for a week or so lads, please, I can't spend another night on that couch, its leather and you know how leather sticks to your arse."

The letter goes on to add: "Oh and by the way James nail on the head there mate about the rabbit but she makes a mean Parmo, if you think she looks bad though, you should see her mother, she looks the same, but cross-bread with a spastic camel."

Environmental officers have been sent in to investigate how so few people can make that much noise it caused the bitch to complain in the first place.

God to smite UK like its never been smotten before

2009-02-21T13:56:00.002Z

"You've really pissed him off this time," claims extremist preacher

The UK has been damned to the depths of hell and blah blah blah, according to the Westboro Baptist Church, in the US.

The church, which regularly pickets funerals of US soldiers killed in Iraq, has been banned from entering the UK this month to picket a play about a man who is killed for being gay, 'The Laramie Project'.

Fred Phelps, and his daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, had planned to come over to picket the staging of the play at Queen Mary's College in Baskingstoke but were told by British authorities the could "actually fuck right off, like right off so far, so so far, so so so far that they would actually fall off the earth, that's how far they can fuck off."

Mrs Phelps-Roper, when contacted said "you can try and stop us coming over, but there are lots of us without the name Phelps, there's all different names coming over like Jones and Hicksburg, and unless they stop everyone with those names who comes over from Topeka, Kansas on flight AV 007 on February the 24th and asks them what God thinks of fags, there is no way they can stop us getting through."

A spokesman for Heathrow airport said: "seriously, spotting one of these freaks is easier than finding Wally in a 'Where's Wally' book, where all the pages are blank, except for a picture of Wally, and someone has circled him, and put an arrow pointing to the circle saying 'here he is'."

The Church's website had a posting on Friday, announcing the picket saying:
"In merry old England they plan to further enrage the living God by putting on the farce known commonly as The Laramie Project. We will picket them, and see if they actually believe those lies they tell about how tolerant and accepting Brits are."

The spokesman went on to add: "they really must know fuck all about England, as Basingstoke in particular, is in no way 'merry', its a shit hole in fact. I tell you what if the living God was enraged, it would probably be because of Baskingstoke it's self, not because of anything else."

Constable Alex Doberdean from the Hampshire police announced that they are on full alert for "not giving a wet turd," and that "any crazies could be dealt with by the local scall's and we still wouldn't give a flying fornication."

God had no comment on the issue.

North Korea told to put its tits away

2009-02-20T14:27:00.000Z

"We can actually see your nipples," says Clinton

Hillary Rodham Clinton told North Korea yesterday to put its boobs back in its shirt and stop acting so provocatively.

The US Secretary of State: told the communist state "that skirt is too short as well, if you think you're going out dressed like that young lady you have another thing coming, honestly, I can nearly see your muff."

Clinton's remarks come as she is currently touring Asia, attempting to smarten up the dress sense of many Asia-Pacific nations.

"Japan looked nice," she said "it wore a nice frock with sensible shoes, Indonesia what with being a Muslim nation, opted for the traditional Bhurka, but North Korea just looked like a two-bit hooker."

Clinton went on to add that, if someone were to get into a situation which became rapidly out of their control at this gathering of nations, it would definitely be North Korea, adding "dress like a slut and you will be treated like a slut."

There was no reply from North Korea today as reports suggested it was getting fingered by Thailand up against a skip outside the local Morrisons.

Clinton headed to China today to make sure it wore a cardy tonight as Beijing is expecting more snow. "Wrap up warm now China, you're not a geordie for heaven's sake," she was quoted as saying.

Report states bleeding obvious

2009-02-17T19:08:00.000Z

"We know you already knew this, we just have fuck all else to do," claims Children's Society

The Children's Society today told us something we already knew by telling us that its not just adults that are affected by the recession, but also children, some as young as four-years-old being forced to eat Tesco Value baked beans instead of Heinz.

"We kinda figured you knew that the recession was forcing you to buy own brand, but we really had nothing else to do today, so we thought we'd just tell you," said Ian Hicksburgh, spokesman for the Children's Society. "We really tried to do something worthwhile today, but there's only so many cupboards to clean in our office, so we kinda just thought, 'fuck it, lets tell them what they already know'".

Many of the 17- to 19-year-olds surveyed in this colossal waste of time claimed that they were finding it tough to find a job.

"I just sit in the house all day, playing Call of Duty 4," said Nick Doberdean, an unemployed 17-year-old from Kent, "I can see why this job hunting thing is such a bitch for unemployed people, I have to sit through a full episode of 'Loose Women' before my mum lets me use the TV, its a nightmare."

"Yeah I would look for a job, but my mate Jimmy said he went down the Job Centre one day, but there were like three people waiting to use those job search machines, so he just fucked it off and smoked a spliff. I tried typing 'job' into the google search as well, but I was so used to preceding it with 'blow' that I accidentally typed in 'blow job' and so I just stayed in having a wank all day - if there was some way, just anyway at all, to make money off my love juice, I would do it," said Doberdean.

The announcement comes as Alistair Darling put two fingers up at the nation by announcing that the Royal Bank of Scotland would still be allowed to pay employees bonuses, but just not as much because they "fucked up the economy a smidgen".

"I think tomorrow we are going to do a report on how fried chicken comes from chickens," added Hicksburg.

Beckham to be dragged kicking and screaming back to LA

2009-02-17T00:06:00.000Z

"I won't go, you can't make me!" says reluctant star
"Wanna motherfucking bet?" replies pissed off club

David Beckham announced today that he does not wish to return to the LA Galaxy from AC Milan by jumping up and down, stamping his feet, then fallen on the floor, rolling around with his eyes closed, crying and exclaiming "nooooooooo I don't wanna go back, all the other players are mean to me," with an increasingly high pitched tone.

The England star is refusing to return to LA Galaxy from the Italian giants as he has finally realised that the American 'soccer' league, the MLS, is in fact, a shite league to play in, which would leave him with absolutely no chance of playing for his beloved England team.

Friends of Beckham tried to convince the ex-England captain to go back to the club which he legally works for, and it was widely reported by witnesses that Beckham was seen holding onto the door frame, with wife, Victoria, holding onto his ankles as his body rose off the floor as she told him, "I know this is the fashion capital of the world David, but how will I get my Hollywood deals?"

The American 'soccer' giants have responded with fury, saying "that motherfucker bets to get his motherfuckin ass back here right motherfuckin now motherfucker else we pop a cap in his Motherfuckin overpaid ass motherfucker," directly telling Beckham himself: "We own you bitch!" It is rumoured that Galaxy have also been colaborating with local gang 'the Krips' in an effort to show the English megastar "wasssupp", with the gang claiming they have no idea who David Beckham is but they would have no problem popping a cap in his ass because AC Milan's outfit is red, the colour of gang rivals 'the bloods'.

A proffessor of law at the University of Liverpool, told us that "Galaxy pretty much have Becks by the golden balls at the moment, they are well within their rights to tell him to get his ass back to LA, they pay his wages afterall. It doesn't really take a law degree to work that out, now get out of my office, I have students to knob.. I mean... uh, papers to mark."

AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti has fully backed Beckham, saying: "why would David want to return to LA Galaxy, its laughable, he have the chance to play in the best league in the world, yet they want him to return to that crapshitstick of a girly league, he play better standard football in a school for how you say, retardo's."

Riots sweep World of Warcraft

2009-02-15T18:54:00.000Z

Angry protesters clashed with other angry protesters through the night last night on virgin social networking game, World of Warcraft.

Virgins were furious at the news that a 13-year-old boy became the UK's youngest father yesterday, having knocked up the girl at 12-years-old when they "can't even get a sugaring look-in".

The Sun newspaper on Saturday, reported on the story of 13-year-old Alfie Patten fathering a child with a girl of 15.

"I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this outrage," said Mike Hicksburg, a 24-year-old virgin from Stockport. "For eight hours a night, I run around in my game, trying desperately to find a maiden to rescue, and all this time, a boy half my age has been boinking this wench. And a fricking good looking one at that, she actually looks like a creature from World of Warcraft."

The riots started at around 6 pm last night when most users have finished eating their Findas Crispy Pancakes & chips, and went long into the night erupting again at around 4 pm this afternoon.

It was reported that magical mayhem had spread all over the popular gaming site for the not-so-popular with virtual pillaging of fantasy villages widespread.

"It was awful," said an innocent witness to the rioting. "I just logged on to have a quick nine hour session on the Internet when a dragon swooped down and breathed fire at me. I was unaware at the news that this boy had lost his virginity, but when I found out by golly, the word 'drat' actually came out of my mouth, I saw red, I had no idea I was capable of that kind of hocus pocus."

Meanwhile, in the real world, parents and politicians alike have reacted in anger at the fact that a young boy be allowed to have unprotected sex with a creature so hideous.

Richard Doberdean, a local politician in Reading said: "it is a reflection on our standards as a sexual being, that a boy stoop so low as to sleep with such a wrong'un." Adding: "Honestly, I saw a photo of this girl and sicked up a bit."

Riots on World of Warcraft are expected to calm as tomorrow is a school day, and mums will be sending nerds to bed left, right, and centre.

MAN HAS SHIT IDEA

2009-02-11T15:42:00.000Z

"Should we have a national day of apology?" asks man.
"Not on your sodding nelly!" replies nation

As bankers apologised to MP's for their part in completely
cocking up the financial status of the nation worse than
Ron Atkinson's career as pundit, one man had a truly
awful, awful Idea.

Tom Perrotta, a writer, has had one of the worst ideas
since employing Louise Woodward as Au Pair, to have two
new national holiday's: one called national grievance day,
and one called national apology day.

"On Grievance Day, anyone has the right to approach
someone else and complain to them about some wrong they
feel they've suffered at the hands of that person. A
three-month waiting period will go by after which, the
person who apparently committed the wrong, will be able to
respond. That will be Apology Day - although they may not
apologise and may have a response instead," wrote the
delusional American.

The idea has been ridiculed by those across the UK, with
many people exclaiming: "my god, that's the shittest idea
I've ever heard".

"Why would we need one day a year dedicated to grievances?
We have at least two of those a week: on a Friday and
Saturday night. I ask someone what the fuck are they
looking at? They say 'nothing', I give them an extreme
closeup of my lacosse trainees," said Tom Hicksburgh, a
twenty-year-old trainee plumber from Huyton. "Apology day
wouldn't be so bad, they could apologise to me for
scuffing my size 13's," he added.

"Everyday is grievance day in my house," said Mike
Doberdean, from Winnersh. "My wife airs her grievances in
the form of nagging, then I apologise by not throwing the
wrinkly old bitch down the stairs. Honeslty, I've had
kidney stones I've been more fond of than that idea."

Perrotta attempted to defend himself by saying "I was just
trying to make the world a ni..." before being bundled
onto a Virgin jet back to America, 'land of the free'
where, according to a witness, "he's free to have all the
shit ideas he wants, but not on our fucking turf."

Science & Research:

2009-02-10T16:21:00.000Z

Fat people love chips

Fat people are quite partial to a plate or two of chips, regardless of how fat they don't want to be, according to new research published on Monday.

Researchers have spent the last two years studying why fat people are prone to being fat, and came to the conclusion that they love food, especially chips, and not just eating them either, the smell and the feel of them.

The government has long been worried about rising levels of obesity in the UK, and now finally have an answer to why people are getting so heavily loaded on cholesterol.

The news comes a day after McDonald's practically pissed in a cup, left it for a month, then opened the cup, dipped its fingers in and began flicking stale urine in the face of the credit crunch whilst dancing round it singing "neh neh neh neh neh neh" on Monday as it announced that sales were up 7.1 percent.

"We've been studying these chubsters for ages," said scientist Dr. Hicksburg, of the Lard Lovers institute in Croydon. "Turns out, they just love to eat, and what goes well with eating stuff? That's right, chips! You can have chips with almost anything, our national dish is fish & chips, there's also pie & chips, burger & chips,Cheese on chips, gravy & chips, pie & chips did I already say that one? Doesn't matter, its that good a meal it deserves to be in twice. Salad & chips, sausage & chips, egg & chips..." added Hicksburg before as our reporter slowly edged out of the room and headed down to the local Harry Ramsden's for a plate of potatoes soaked in grease.

The next batch of research to be commissioned by the institute will look into why fat people hate exercise so much. Results are expected on Thursday morning.

BBC apologises for broadcasting something worth watching

2009-02-06T15:13:00.000Z

"This is the last time, we promise" claims broadcaster of poor viewing
The BBC has angered viewers for a second time in four months by again broadcasting something actually worth watching.

Fans were left reeling on Friday when the breakfast show played something entertaining in the form of an unedited clip of actor Christian Bale throwing what was described by some as 'a bit of a wobbly' on the set of Terminator Salvation.

The foul-mouthed tirade by the Batman star clocked up a whopping 35 'fucks' in four minutes, nearly half the number that an episode of Channel 4's 'Hell's Kitchen' would broadcast in the same time period.

Last October, the BBC were embroiled in a similar scandal when radio presenters Russell Brand, and Jonathon Ross were broadcast making a mildly entertaining prank phone call to Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs where Ross left a message for Sachs claiming that Brand had "fucked your granddaughter", a claim she later did not deny. That instance of the BBC broadcasting something worth actually listening to racked up a total of 546 complaints from an estimated eleven listeners.

The BBC has long been an advocate of boring TV viewing, and has endeavoured to stop broadcasting anything good since 'Only Fools and Horses' was taken off air declaring at the time "sorry about that, we didn't realise how popular that would become, and if we had known that Del Boy was gonna fall through the bar in that one clip, we definitely wouldn't have bothered with it."

When asked if they feared any sort of competition in the broadcasting of entertaining viewing, a Channel 4 spokesman laughed hysterically down the phone for 23 minutes and 18 seconds before replying "that's made my fucking day that, I need to go change my trousers now."
An ITV spokesman on the other hand replied "have the BBC gone and ballsed up? SWEET! That'll take all the attention away from our recent gaffe." When asked what gaffe they were referring to they replied: "did I say gaffe? I meant.... Caf... as in.... cafe.... there's been uproar since they started selling a new brand of chips, must dash, I think I left the iron on," before hanging up abruptly.

A spokesman for the BBC said on Friday: "The BBC endeavours to bring its license payers TV dramas that would struggle to hold the attention of a human vegetable on Ritalin, and low budget soaps such as Eastenders where we have replaced any kind of talent with cholesterol buckets such as 'Heather' so you can't even crack one off to it in an effort to keep it as different as possible from Hollyoaks. Again, we apologise to anyone who was in any way entertained by this massive technical error." He also added "I must stress we are only apologising to license payers, the rest of you can sit on the pronged end of a fork, we're watching you, and we'll find you, you good for nothing, sponging, foreskin fillers."

Dear Scooby

2009-02-05T22:02:00.000Z

I FEEL TOO INVOLVED WITH MY CASUAL BOYFRIEND IN JAIL
Dear Scooby,
I met a man in a club six months ago and we found we had a lot in common. We're both into keeping fit and are into romance novels.
We saw each other a few times then he confessed he was on bail and could be sent to prison. He hadn't done anything violent or sexual but his solicitor had warned him to expect the worst, as this wasn't his first run-in with the law.
He was sent down and I've visited him in jail and write regularly. His family are ashamed of him and haven't bothered to contact him.
He says he has a new outlook on life since meeting me and promises never to wind up in prison again.
In every letter he says he loves me and keeps talking about us living together when he gets out. He's even mentioned children. We're both in our early 20s.
I do have feelings for him but he's moving way too fast and I'm worried he won't change even though he sounds sincere. I don't want to be a criminal's girlfriend. Do you think I should give him a chance at love and a relationship?
Pauline

Dear Pauline,
Firstly, can I have your telephone number please? You sound like the easiest girl in the world to get off with 'both into keeping fit and romance novels'. I think if you told him you were into unicorns and long walks on the beach, I guarantee he would say 'hey, me too, I love unicorns, lets go to Formby!'. Seriously woman, get a grip.
Secondly - hes in prison, and any decent ex-con will give you the exact same advice - "either make someone your bitch, or be someones bitch" - either his knobs as filthy as a pile of used pampers or his ass has been pounded more times than Phil Collins' drumkit. Its bum or be bummed in there darling, so if he hadn't done anything 'sexual or violent' before - he has now.
'He has a new outlook on life' - ah, sorry missed that bit, hes someones bitch.
'He says he loves me and hes mentioned children' - in what kind of way has he mentioned children? If hes spending a little too much time on the old 'E-wing' some of those ex-scout leaders can warp a fragile little 20-year-old boys mind.
I notice that at the end of your letter, you mentioned the fact that you 'dont want to be a criminals girlfriend' - alarm bells should have been ringing here Pauline as it doesnt take Einstein to work out the MAN + PRISON = CRIMINAL.
If you dont want to be with a criminal, then I suggest you dump the criminal. Sounds simple doesnt it? Well so do you.
When he does get out, he wont have any sort of income coming in, lets face it - the £7 a week he earned at Her Majesty's Pleasure wont exactly buy you a fancy wedding dress, but you can take solace in the fact that you will save on bog roll cos his shit aint even gonna touch the sides after the ass raping's hes been taking.
Do I think you should give him a chance at love and a relationship? Yes, you are clearly mental and you probably wont ever do any better. Good luck with your life.

Scooby
xxx

2009-02-05T21:53:00.000Z

Keeping Mum whilst Dad hits shit

Parents need 'lessons' on how to beat unruly little shits.

Parents of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) need teaching how to control the little fuckers, according to new guidelines announced today.

The Leeds Institute of Loathing Sufferers of Hyperactive Induced Tantrums Syndrome (LIL'SHITS) says that drugs such as Ritalin should be avoided completely, and drugs such as Nytol, Morphine, Cannabis, and Heroin should be used sparingly.

It is estimated that there are nearly 600,000 UK parents who are currently using the excuse "He can't help it, he's got ADHD." While a genuine 37,000 cases of ADHD get a bad reputation for being little shits.

"The problem we 'ave is right, that there are so many cases of blatant lying about ADHD out there, that we can't figure out which kids can't help bein' little twats, and those that are just bein' little twats eh?... up chuck," said Yorkshireman John Yorkshireman, spokesman for the LIL'SHITS institute.

"What tat 'ickle bastards need is a good hydin'. T'was good nuff fir me in mah day, so should be good nuff fir them... by gum." added Yorkshireman.

"Little Satans"

LIL'SHITS guidelines, which cover all of England and the UK's very own bastard children (Scotland, Wales, and that other one what no-one knows the name of cos they cant just all call it one name) will teach parents how to beat the living b'Jesus out of these little satans without leaving telltale marks.

Dr. Dave Doberdean, the head of the LIL'SHITS treatment plan who has previously publicly questioned the over-reliance on western medicines, welcomes the moves towards "basic slapping" which he believes can be just as effective.

"A lot of parents are now moving to a more physical-abuse regime in order to control their kids. Since the introduction of basic-slapping, we've seen some excellent improvements in child behaviour but I've also found that the parents were sometimes twatting their kids in the wrong way - leaving bruising, cuts etc. This often leads to busybody bastard teachers or nosey medical staff informing Social Services like what happened in that episode of ER for research I was watching last week."

Family Fun

Dr. Doberdean continued, "Our programme is more of a Camp X-Ray / Guantanamo Bay sort of programme - sleep and sensory deprivation, stress torture and water-boarding. We encourage all family members to participate, especially those on the receiving end of the child's behaviour. It's sort of fun for all the family."

"The ones who are genuinely little twats will be soon learn to alter their behaviour to not act like c*nts all the time. Those that don't change and are legitimately affected by ADHD, can just be drugged-up to the eyeballs and sit in the corner - all sedate and stuff. Sure... they might go a bit mental around their mid-twenties early thirties, but hey, they'll be quiet until then, so who really gives a fuck?" said Dr. Doberdean.

Lame Duck Prime Minister, Gordon Brown hailed the new treatment plan as 'genius' adding: "Did you like it? Cos if you did, it was all my idea, I swear... please let me stay, I'll do a good job, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, pretty please, with sugar on top?"

David Cameron responded saying "The sticking of a needle in your eye don't mean shit Brown, everyone knows you only have one good one and you would only stick the needle in the bad one pretending it was your good one... even Blunkett can see you're in a gigantic lying tit-heap of horseshit. Thank you - vote Conservative."

"The LIL'SHITS programme is expected to begin February 2009, so the freshly unemployed George W. Bush can give expert advise on how to flat out deny torture when your clearly torturing ta' shit out of people... ow-do." added Yorkshireman.