A look back at today's headlines on Monday 6th April 2009
'Death camp Nazi' can be deported
"Shit. This can not end well for me," declares ex-member of the Third Reich
Schindler's List found in Sydney
"I have been looking for this for fucking ages, you wouldn't believe the number of Blockbusters' stores I've been in," says avid movie fan
Thai man jailed for royal insult
"He's royally screwed, we're putting him in E-wing, that's where we keep all the rapists," Prison chief tells court
Home Office website linked to porn
"We always knew they were a gigantic gang of wankers, now we have proof," says Internet whizz
MP expenses probe to be televised
"But we are going to charge you for watching it. Gotta make up the cash somewhere," say crooked lawmakers
History to stay in new curriculum
"Thank fuck for that," sigh history teachers
UN: no immediate action against North Korea
"We will let them off this time, it was just a fancy looking firework after all," World body declares
Robinho cleared after rape investigation
"Sorry, we didn't realise you were a footballer, you can stick your cock where ever you god damn please," investigators tell soccer star
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
News in Brief
A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 1st of April, 2009
Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate
Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners
Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman
Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group
Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media
Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor
GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant
'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press
Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily
Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces
Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer
Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate
Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners
Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman
Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group
Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media
Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor
GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant
'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press
Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily
Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces
Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer
Parents to be set on fire to stop kids from smoking
"This'll stop the little bastards well in their tracks," says government
The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.
The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.
The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.
"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."
"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."
Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.
"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."
The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.
"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.
The government today announced plans to show children as young as four, their parents engulfed in flames in order to encourage them not to smoke.
The plans were announced after it was revealed that the 'I'm scared' adverts, where a child attempts to guilt parents who smoke into giving up the habit by saying they aren't scared of anything - not even their strange uncle who touches them in their 'special place' - except their parents dying from smoking, were working on smokers with children but weren't scaring the shit out of kids quite enough to stop them from starting.
The new campaign will begin next Monday, with teams of university graduates who can't find a proper job travelling round the country, visiting towns and city's armed with a can of petrol and a lighter, setting people on fire who are with children.
"I'm looking forward to starting my new job," declared Rodney Hicksburgh, a business studies graduate from Coventry, "if I see a parent smoking, I get to douse them in a litre of Shell premium unleaded and strike a match, its gonna be fucking top."
"The look on the kids face is gonna be fucking priceless, I'm glad my folks got me this digital camera to go to Thailand with, but bollocks if I didn't spend my entire student loan on snake-bite and knock-off Ecstasy tablets. So fuck Thailand, I'm taking photos of little crying children screaming 'mummy!', you watch my youtube hits go up and all, I be filming the best reactions and putting them online."
Parents who smoke have deemed the plans 'degrading' and 'extreme' but the government is standing firm and telling them to either quit smoking, or it will be the last thing they do. Literally.
"Yup, we've tried all kinds - warnings on boxes, adverts, pictures on boxes - nothing is working so we thought 'fuck it, lets set the beggars on fire'," said a government spokesman. "Sure, its a bit drastic, but we really need to get through to these kids that smoking is not cool, and that a fiery death is what will result."
The plans are apparently to be combined with new stipulations that allow officials to blow up parents of fat children after ingesting chips hidden in packages handed out free by employees of the organisation near the local shopping centre.
"We need kids to understand that if you smoke, you will catch fire, and if you are fat, you will explode," added the spokesman.
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