Ryanair to charge you for absolutely everything

"You owe us," says shitty flight operator

Ryanair today announced plans to charge you for absolutely fucking everything. The Dublin-based carrier said there would now be charges for anything you do, regardless of whether you're flying with Ryanair, or indeed if you've even heard of Ryanair.

Last week Ryanair had announced plans to charge their staff an hourly rate for having the pleasure of working for them. But this week they thought they would go one step further and charge everyone for everything, all the time.

Large, burly debt collectors will be sent round to the houses of everyone in the UK and Ireland to collect the 'mandatory living charge' and those who refuse to pay will be heavily beaten and dragged through the streets whilst 'complyers' throw rotten, unsold egg & watercress sandwiches at them, which they will then in turn, be charged for throwing. There will also be a penalty fine to pay for not purchasing the sandwich in the first place, allowing it to go off.

"You fecker's owe us money," said Michael O'Leary, Chief executive of Ryanair. "Basically, you don't pay, we fuck you up, it's that simple, we own you, we own everything, we are Ryanair, give us your money, give us it now or I'll cut your face, I'm not fucking about here, hand it over."

Janine Hicksburg, spokesperson for Which? market research company said: "Some people have said they are unhappy about this situation and say they won't cave in to bullying but to be quite honest with you, they are Ryanair, they can do whatever the fuck they like, I'm not gonna stop them no sireee, I hold a certain fondness for my knee-caps, and I'd like to keep them thank you kindly."

Hicksburg was then charged £12 'interviewee tax' plus an £8 'answer tax', and our reporter charged '£60 interviewer tax' plus £14 'asking tax' on top of which there was a £32 'talking to a member of the opposite sex tax'.

In total, this article cos over £300 to produce, so any donations to help out can be kindly sent to:

Ryanair Corporate Head Office

Dublin Airport

Co. Dublin

Ireland

Boro fans told to sit down and shut the fuck up

"Some of us are trying to be tired and emotional," Pre-menstrual bitch tells angry supporters

A representative of Middlesbrough Football Club has angered its supporters by telling them all to sit down and shut the fuck up.

In a clearly pre-menstrual letter to supporters seated in the North Stand, Sue Watson, Safety Officer for the Riverside stadium, has angered supporters by telling them: "listen, I know its a football match, and you're all excited that Middlesbrough might actually show up and score a goal, and you want to encourage them because lets face it, they need all the help they can get, but for fuck's sake, do it quietly."

She went on to explain "when we played Wigan on Saturday, there was someone banging on the panel at the back the ENTIRE! FUCKING! GAME! I'm already feeling bloated, I don't need a bastard headache as well. If I ever find you, you better watch your back, your mother will weep when she see's what I've done to you."

Boro fans reacted angrily with many supporters calling for Watson to "Stiiiiiickk your letter up your arse... stiiiiiick your leeeetter up your arse."

James Hicksburg, a Boro fan from Billingham said: "this is why women shouldn't go to football games, unless they're making the half time butties. Seriously, her husband should be shot for letting her out of the kitchen in the first place. She has a face like an autistic rabbit
anyways."

"I remember the days at Ayresome Park, women weren't allowed in there, we never had any bother," he continued.

However, one fan from the Berwick Hills, supported the decision. Stanley, who did not wish to give his last name for fear of reprisals said "hold on a minute, she may be a woman, but she has got a point, of which we don't have many. Take Old Trafford for example, you go there on a
match day and you can hear an ant fart at the other end of the stadium its that quiet and they won the league last year. We make more noise than 10,000 tired, cranky toddlers on cocaine, and we're shite, maybe we should give the silence thing a go."

Watson's husband, Damion, has reportedly sent a follow up letter to all fans who received the original asking "what the fuck did you boy's do on Saturday? Normally this time of the month she's a little bit whingey, but holy shit she was pissed off, it feels like I'm living with Satan himself at the mo, I had to make my own beans on toast last night. Man-to-man, I beg you to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up, just for a week or so lads, please, I can't spend another night on that couch, its leather and you know how leather sticks to your arse."

The letter goes on to add: "Oh and by the way James nail on the head there mate about the rabbit but she makes a mean Parmo, if you think she looks bad though, you should see her mother, she looks the same, but cross-bread with a spastic camel."

Environmental officers have been sent in to investigate how so few people can make that much noise it caused the bitch to complain in the first place.

God to smite UK like its never been smotten before

"You've really pissed him off this time," claims extremist preacher

The UK has been damned to the depths of hell and blah blah blah, according to the Westboro Baptist Church, in the US.

The church, which regularly pickets funerals of US soldiers killed in Iraq, has been banned from entering the UK this month to picket a play about a man who is killed for being gay, 'The Laramie Project'.

Fred Phelps, and his daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, had planned to come over to picket the staging of the play at Queen Mary's College in Baskingstoke but were told by British authorities the could "actually fuck right off, like right off so far, so so far, so so so far that they would actually fall off the earth, that's how far they can fuck off."

Mrs Phelps-Roper, when contacted said "you can try and stop us coming over, but there are lots of us without the name Phelps, there's all different names coming over like Jones and Hicksburg, and unless they stop everyone with those names who comes over from Topeka, Kansas on flight AV 007 on February the 24th and asks them what God thinks of fags, there is no way they can stop us getting through."

A spokesman for Heathrow airport said: "seriously, spotting one of these freaks is easier than finding Wally in a 'Where's Wally' book, where all the pages are blank, except for a picture of Wally, and someone has circled him, and put an arrow pointing to the circle saying 'here he is'."

The Church's website had a posting on Friday, announcing the picket saying:
"In merry old England they plan to further enrage the living God by putting on the farce known commonly as The Laramie Project. We will picket them, and see if they actually believe those lies they tell about how tolerant and accepting Brits are."

The spokesman went on to add: "they really must know fuck all about England, as Basingstoke in particular, is in no way 'merry', its a shit hole in fact. I tell you what if the living God was enraged, it would probably be because of Baskingstoke it's self, not because of anything else."

Constable Alex Doberdean from the Hampshire police announced that they are on full alert for "not giving a wet turd," and that "any crazies could be dealt with by the local scall's and we still wouldn't give a flying fornication."

God had no comment on the issue.

North Korea told to put its tits away

"We can actually see your nipples," says Clinton

Hillary Rodham Clinton told North Korea yesterday to put its boobs back in its shirt and stop acting so provocatively.

The US Secretary of State: told the communist state "that skirt is too short as well, if you think you're going out dressed like that young lady you have another thing coming, honestly, I can nearly see your muff."

Clinton's remarks come as she is currently touring Asia, attempting to smarten up the dress sense of many Asia-Pacific nations.

"Japan looked nice," she said "it wore a nice frock with sensible shoes, Indonesia what with being a Muslim nation, opted for the traditional Bhurka, but North Korea just looked like a two-bit hooker."

Clinton went on to add that, if someone were to get into a situation which became rapidly out of their control at this gathering of nations, it would definitely be North Korea, adding "dress like a slut and you will be treated like a slut."

There was no reply from North Korea today as reports suggested it was getting fingered by Thailand up against a skip outside the local Morrisons.

Clinton headed to China today to make sure it wore a cardy tonight as Beijing is expecting more snow. "Wrap up warm now China, you're not a geordie for heaven's sake," she was quoted as saying.

Report states bleeding obvious

"We know you already knew this, we just have fuck all else to do," claims Children's Society

The Children's Society today told us something we already knew by telling us that its not just adults that are affected by the recession, but also children, some as young as four-years-old being forced to eat Tesco Value baked beans instead of Heinz.

"We kinda figured you knew that the recession was forcing you to buy own brand, but we really had nothing else to do today, so we thought we'd just tell you," said Ian Hicksburgh, spokesman for the Children's Society. "We really tried to do something worthwhile today, but there's only so many cupboards to clean in our office, so we kinda just thought, 'fuck it, lets tell them what they already know'".

Many of the 17- to 19-year-olds surveyed in this colossal waste of time claimed that they were finding it tough to find a job.

"I just sit in the house all day, playing Call of Duty 4," said Nick Doberdean, an unemployed 17-year-old from Kent, "I can see why this job hunting thing is such a bitch for unemployed people, I have to sit through a full episode of 'Loose Women' before my mum lets me use the TV, its a nightmare."

"Yeah I would look for a job, but my mate Jimmy said he went down the Job Centre one day, but there were like three people waiting to use those job search machines, so he just fucked it off and smoked a spliff. I tried typing 'job' into the google search as well, but I was so used to preceding it with 'blow' that I accidentally typed in 'blow job' and so I just stayed in having a wank all day - if there was some way, just anyway at all, to make money off my love juice, I would do it," said Doberdean.

The announcement comes as Alistair Darling put two fingers up at the nation by announcing that the Royal Bank of Scotland would still be allowed to pay employees bonuses, but just not as much because they "fucked up the economy a smidgen".

"I think tomorrow we are going to do a report on how fried chicken comes from chickens," added Hicksburg.

Beckham to be dragged kicking and screaming back to LA

"I won't go, you can't make me!" says reluctant star
"Wanna motherfucking bet?" replies pissed off club

David Beckham announced today that he does not wish to return to the LA Galaxy from AC Milan by jumping up and down, stamping his feet, then fallen on the floor, rolling around with his eyes closed, crying and exclaiming "nooooooooo I don't wanna go back, all the other players are mean to me," with an increasingly high pitched tone.

The England star is refusing to return to LA Galaxy from the Italian giants as he has finally realised that the American 'soccer' league, the MLS, is in fact, a shite league to play in, which would leave him with absolutely no chance of playing for his beloved England team.

Friends of Beckham tried to convince the ex-England captain to go back to the club which he legally works for, and it was widely reported by witnesses that Beckham was seen holding onto the door frame, with wife, Victoria, holding onto his ankles as his body rose off the floor as she told him, "I know this is the fashion capital of the world David, but how will I get my Hollywood deals?"

The American 'soccer' giants have responded with fury, saying "that motherfucker bets to get his motherfuckin ass back here right motherfuckin now motherfucker else we pop a cap in his Motherfuckin overpaid ass motherfucker," directly telling Beckham himself: "We own you bitch!" It is rumoured that Galaxy have also been colaborating with local gang 'the Krips' in an effort to show the English megastar "wasssupp", with the gang claiming they have no idea who David Beckham is but they would have no problem popping a cap in his ass because AC Milan's outfit is red, the colour of gang rivals 'the bloods'.

A proffessor of law at the University of Liverpool, told us that "Galaxy pretty much have Becks by the golden balls at the moment, they are well within their rights to tell him to get his ass back to LA, they pay his wages afterall. It doesn't really take a law degree to work that out, now get out of my office, I have students to knob.. I mean... uh, papers to mark."

AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti has fully backed Beckham, saying: "why would David want to return to LA Galaxy, its laughable, he have the chance to play in the best league in the world, yet they want him to return to that crapshitstick of a girly league, he play better standard football in a school for how you say, retardo's."

Riots sweep World of Warcraft

Angry protesters clashed with other angry protesters through the night last night on virgin social networking game, World of Warcraft.

Virgins were furious at the news that a 13-year-old boy became the UK's youngest father yesterday, having knocked up the girl at 12-years-old when they "can't even get a sugaring look-in".

The Sun newspaper on Saturday, reported on the story of 13-year-old Alfie Patten fathering a child with a girl of 15.

"I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this outrage," said Mike Hicksburg, a 24-year-old virgin from Stockport. "For eight hours a night, I run around in my game, trying desperately to find a maiden to rescue, and all this time, a boy half my age has been boinking this wench. And a fricking good looking one at that, she actually looks like a creature from World of Warcraft."

The riots started at around 6 pm last night when most users have finished eating their Findas Crispy Pancakes & chips, and went long into the night erupting again at around 4 pm this afternoon.

It was reported that magical mayhem had spread all over the popular gaming site for the not-so-popular with virtual pillaging of fantasy villages widespread.

"It was awful," said an innocent witness to the rioting. "I just logged on to have a quick nine hour session on the Internet when a dragon swooped down and breathed fire at me. I was unaware at the news that this boy had lost his virginity, but when I found out by golly, the word 'drat' actually came out of my mouth, I saw red, I had no idea I was capable of that kind of hocus pocus."

Meanwhile, in the real world, parents and politicians alike have reacted in anger at the fact that a young boy be allowed to have unprotected sex with a creature so hideous.

Richard Doberdean, a local politician in Reading said: "it is a reflection on our standards as a sexual being, that a boy stoop so low as to sleep with such a wrong'un." Adding: "Honestly, I saw a photo of this girl and sicked up a bit."

Riots on World of Warcraft are expected to calm as tomorrow is a school day, and mums will be sending nerds to bed left, right, and centre.

MAN HAS SHIT IDEA

"Should we have a national day of apology?" asks man.
"Not on your sodding nelly!" replies nation

As bankers apologised to MP's for their part in completely
cocking up the financial status of the nation worse than
Ron Atkinson's career as pundit, one man had a truly
awful, awful Idea.

Tom Perrotta, a writer, has had one of the worst ideas
since employing Louise Woodward as Au Pair, to have two
new national holiday's: one called national grievance day,
and one called national apology day.

"On Grievance Day, anyone has the right to approach
someone else and complain to them about some wrong they
feel they've suffered at the hands of that person. A
three-month waiting period will go by after which, the
person who apparently committed the wrong, will be able to
respond. That will be Apology Day - although they may not
apologise and may have a response instead," wrote the
delusional American.

The idea has been ridiculed by those across the UK, with
many people exclaiming: "my god, that's the shittest idea
I've ever heard".

"Why would we need one day a year dedicated to grievances?
We have at least two of those a week: on a Friday and
Saturday night. I ask someone what the fuck are they
looking at? They say 'nothing', I give them an extreme
closeup of my lacosse trainees," said Tom Hicksburgh, a
twenty-year-old trainee plumber from Huyton. "Apology day
wouldn't be so bad, they could apologise to me for
scuffing my size 13's," he added.

"Everyday is grievance day in my house," said Mike
Doberdean, from Winnersh. "My wife airs her grievances in
the form of nagging, then I apologise by not throwing the
wrinkly old bitch down the stairs. Honeslty, I've had
kidney stones I've been more fond of than that idea."

Perrotta attempted to defend himself by saying "I was just
trying to make the world a ni..." before being bundled
onto a Virgin jet back to America, 'land of the free'
where, according to a witness, "he's free to have all the
shit ideas he wants, but not on our fucking turf."

Science & Research:

Fat people love chips

Fat people are quite partial to a plate or two of chips, regardless of how fat they don't want to be, according to new research published on Monday.

Researchers have spent the last two years studying why fat people are prone to being fat, and came to the conclusion that they love food, especially chips, and not just eating them either, the smell and the feel of them.

The government has long been worried about rising levels of obesity in the UK, and now finally have an answer to why people are getting so heavily loaded on cholesterol.

The news comes a day after McDonald's practically pissed in a cup, left it for a month, then opened the cup, dipped its fingers in and began flicking stale urine in the face of the credit crunch whilst dancing round it singing "neh neh neh neh neh neh" on Monday as it announced that sales were up 7.1 percent.

"We've been studying these chubsters for ages," said scientist Dr. Hicksburg, of the Lard Lovers institute in Croydon. "Turns out, they just love to eat, and what goes well with eating stuff? That's right, chips! You can have chips with almost anything, our national dish is fish & chips, there's also pie & chips, burger & chips,Cheese on chips, gravy & chips, pie & chips did I already say that one? Doesn't matter, its that good a meal it deserves to be in twice. Salad & chips, sausage & chips, egg & chips..." added Hicksburg before as our reporter slowly edged out of the room and headed down to the local Harry Ramsden's for a plate of potatoes soaked in grease.

The next batch of research to be commissioned by the institute will look into why fat people hate exercise so much. Results are expected on Thursday morning.

BBC apologises for broadcasting something worth watching

"This is the last time, we promise" claims broadcaster of poor viewing
The BBC has angered viewers for a second time in four months by again broadcasting something actually worth watching.

Fans were left reeling on Friday when the breakfast show played something entertaining in the form of an unedited clip of actor Christian Bale throwing what was described by some as 'a bit of a wobbly' on the set of Terminator Salvation.

The foul-mouthed tirade by the Batman star clocked up a whopping 35 'fucks' in four minutes, nearly half the number that an episode of Channel 4's 'Hell's Kitchen' would broadcast in the same time period.

Last October, the BBC were embroiled in a similar scandal when radio presenters Russell Brand, and Jonathon Ross were broadcast making a mildly entertaining prank phone call to Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs where Ross left a message for Sachs claiming that Brand had "fucked your granddaughter", a claim she later did not deny. That instance of the BBC broadcasting something worth actually listening to racked up a total of 546 complaints from an estimated eleven listeners.

The BBC has long been an advocate of boring TV viewing, and has endeavoured to stop broadcasting anything good since 'Only Fools and Horses' was taken off air declaring at the time "sorry about that, we didn't realise how popular that would become, and if we had known that Del Boy was gonna fall through the bar in that one clip, we definitely wouldn't have bothered with it."

When asked if they feared any sort of competition in the broadcasting of entertaining viewing, a Channel 4 spokesman laughed hysterically down the phone for 23 minutes and 18 seconds before replying "that's made my fucking day that, I need to go change my trousers now."
An ITV spokesman on the other hand replied "have the BBC gone and ballsed up? SWEET! That'll take all the attention away from our recent gaffe." When asked what gaffe they were referring to they replied: "did I say gaffe? I meant.... Caf... as in.... cafe.... there's been uproar since they started selling a new brand of chips, must dash, I think I left the iron on," before hanging up abruptly.

A spokesman for the BBC said on Friday: "The BBC endeavours to bring its license payers TV dramas that would struggle to hold the attention of a human vegetable on Ritalin, and low budget soaps such as Eastenders where we have replaced any kind of talent with cholesterol buckets such as 'Heather' so you can't even crack one off to it in an effort to keep it as different as possible from Hollyoaks. Again, we apologise to anyone who was in any way entertained by this massive technical error." He also added "I must stress we are only apologising to license payers, the rest of you can sit on the pronged end of a fork, we're watching you, and we'll find you, you good for nothing, sponging, foreskin fillers."

Dear Scooby

I FEEL TOO INVOLVED WITH MY CASUAL BOYFRIEND IN JAIL
Dear Scooby,
I met a man in a club six months ago and we found we had a lot in common. We're both into keeping fit and are into romance novels.
We saw each other a few times then he confessed he was on bail and could be sent to prison. He hadn't done anything violent or sexual but his solicitor had warned him to expect the worst, as this wasn't his first run-in with the law.
He was sent down and I've visited him in jail and write regularly. His family are ashamed of him and haven't bothered to contact him.
He says he has a new outlook on life since meeting me and promises never to wind up in prison again.
In every letter he says he loves me and keeps talking about us living together when he gets out. He's even mentioned children. We're both in our early 20s.
I do have feelings for him but he's moving way too fast and I'm worried he won't change even though he sounds sincere. I don't want to be a criminal's girlfriend. Do you think I should give him a chance at love and a relationship?
Pauline

Dear Pauline,
Firstly, can I have your telephone number please? You sound like the easiest girl in the world to get off with 'both into keeping fit and romance novels'. I think if you told him you were into unicorns and long walks on the beach, I guarantee he would say 'hey, me too, I love unicorns, lets go to Formby!'. Seriously woman, get a grip.
Secondly - hes in prison, and any decent ex-con will give you the exact same advice - "either make someone your bitch, or be someones bitch" - either his knobs as filthy as a pile of used pampers or his ass has been pounded more times than Phil Collins' drumkit. Its bum or be bummed in there darling, so if he hadn't done anything 'sexual or violent' before - he has now.
'He has a new outlook on life' - ah, sorry missed that bit, hes someones bitch.
'He says he loves me and hes mentioned children' - in what kind of way has he mentioned children? If hes spending a little too much time on the old 'E-wing' some of those ex-scout leaders can warp a fragile little 20-year-old boys mind.
I notice that at the end of your letter, you mentioned the fact that you 'dont want to be a criminals girlfriend' - alarm bells should have been ringing here Pauline as it doesnt take Einstein to work out the MAN + PRISON = CRIMINAL.
If you dont want to be with a criminal, then I suggest you dump the criminal. Sounds simple doesnt it? Well so do you.
When he does get out, he wont have any sort of income coming in, lets face it - the £7 a week he earned at Her Majesty's Pleasure wont exactly buy you a fancy wedding dress, but you can take solace in the fact that you will save on bog roll cos his shit aint even gonna touch the sides after the ass raping's hes been taking.
Do I think you should give him a chance at love and a relationship? Yes, you are clearly mental and you probably wont ever do any better. Good luck with your life.

Scooby
xxx

Keeping Mum whilst Dad hits shit

Parents need 'lessons' on how to beat unruly little shits.

Parents of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) need teaching how to control the little fuckers, according to new guidelines announced today.

The Leeds Institute of Loathing Sufferers of Hyperactive Induced Tantrums Syndrome (LIL'SHITS) says that drugs such as Ritalin should be avoided completely, and drugs such as Nytol, Morphine, Cannabis, and Heroin should be used sparingly.

It is estimated that there are nearly 600,000 UK parents who are currently using the excuse "He can't help it, he's got ADHD." While a genuine 37,000 cases of ADHD get a bad reputation for being little shits.

"The problem we 'ave is right, that there are so many cases of blatant lying about ADHD out there, that we can't figure out which kids can't help bein' little twats, and those that are just bein' little twats eh?... up chuck," said Yorkshireman John Yorkshireman, spokesman for the LIL'SHITS institute.

"What tat 'ickle bastards need is a good hydin'. T'was good nuff fir me in mah day, so should be good nuff fir them... by gum." added Yorkshireman.

"Little Satans"

LIL'SHITS guidelines, which cover all of England and the UK's very own bastard children (Scotland, Wales, and that other one what no-one knows the name of cos they cant just all call it one name) will teach parents how to beat the living b'Jesus out of these little satans without leaving telltale marks.

Dr. Dave Doberdean, the head of the LIL'SHITS treatment plan who has previously publicly questioned the over-reliance on western medicines, welcomes the moves towards "basic slapping" which he believes can be just as effective.

"A lot of parents are now moving to a more physical-abuse regime in order to control their kids. Since the introduction of basic-slapping, we've seen some excellent improvements in child behaviour but I've also found that the parents were sometimes twatting their kids in the wrong way - leaving bruising, cuts etc. This often leads to busybody bastard teachers or nosey medical staff informing Social Services like what happened in that episode of ER for research I was watching last week."

Family Fun

Dr. Doberdean continued, "Our programme is more of a Camp X-Ray / Guantanamo Bay sort of programme - sleep and sensory deprivation, stress torture and water-boarding. We encourage all family members to participate, especially those on the receiving end of the child's behaviour. It's sort of fun for all the family."

"The ones who are genuinely little twats will be soon learn to alter their behaviour to not act like c*nts all the time. Those that don't change and are legitimately affected by ADHD, can just be drugged-up to the eyeballs and sit in the corner - all sedate and stuff. Sure... they might go a bit mental around their mid-twenties early thirties, but hey, they'll be quiet until then, so who really gives a fuck?" said Dr. Doberdean.

Lame Duck Prime Minister, Gordon Brown hailed the new treatment plan as 'genius' adding: "Did you like it? Cos if you did, it was all my idea, I swear... please let me stay, I'll do a good job, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, pretty please, with sugar on top?"

David Cameron responded saying "The sticking of a needle in your eye don't mean shit Brown, everyone knows you only have one good one and you would only stick the needle in the bad one pretending it was your good one... even Blunkett can see you're in a gigantic lying tit-heap of horseshit. Thank you - vote Conservative."

"The LIL'SHITS programme is expected to begin February 2009, so the freshly unemployed George W. Bush can give expert advise on how to flat out deny torture when your clearly torturing ta' shit out of people... ow-do." added Yorkshireman.