News in Brief

A look back at today's headlines on Wednesday the 1st of April, 2009

Failings found in baby death case
"The baby isn't really meant to show up dead, to be honest," admits children's advocate

Foreign drivers face fixed fines
"Listen up Johnny, we know you built our roads, but you are gonna have to pay to use them," Government tell foreigners

Israel FM rejects Palestinian deal
"Palest-who?" asks Lieberman

Madonna 'following adoption rules'
"I can categorically confirm that Madonna will not just be 'taking one' like she did last time," star's spokesperson tells worried adoption group

Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue
"Exploder went right through his asski. It so very funny, make look like he farted really hard, hehehe," Russian witness tells media

Injured man survives bush ordeal
"It... was.... huge. I've never seen a fanny with a muff like that before, six days I was in there. Free razors for women I say," whinges distraught survivor

GM denies asking UK For £600m
"It was actually more in the region of £700m," corrects American car giant

'Sexiest' teacher trouble over thong Web pics
"Those photos are extremely misleading and wrong, she is definitely not that good looking," angry headmaster tells press

Chicago paper threatens to fold
"Very funny, I see what you've done there," declares pissed-off editor of troubled daily

Shearer to become Newcastle boss
"If someone the fans like takes us down, it might not be so bad. But then again, you can't polish a turd can you?" Shepherd announces

Striker in lap-dancing bar arrest
"He couldn't score in a brothel, never mind a sodding strip club," laughs arresting officer