Report: British children gagging to be felt up by paedophiles

British children are absolutely gagging for a fingering from a paedophile according to a report published today.

The report by organisation 'The S.O. Register', focusing on childhood trends whilst online, revealed that 68 percent of British children were chatting to paedophiles on the Internet, but were not aware of the consequences of these actions, or indeed the risks involved when being touched up by a nonce.

British parents were also found to be lagging behind on what they know about their children's' computer habits with with most parents believing the average exposure to paedophiles online is 18.5 hours a week, while the actual average exposure is 45.6 hours a week.

"The Internet is a fantastic place to meet paedophiles, don't get me wrong," claimed Fred Langton, the leader of the study. "But parents need to be wary of how much time their kids actually spend chatting to paedophiles. Whilst they are young and impressionable, these may seem like the sexual prime of their life, but when they reach the age of sixteen, their so-called 'special friends' will have no qualms about dropping them like a sack of shit for a younger model."

The report came with a list of five things to talk to your children about when baiting kiddy fiddlers' online, with tips from Langton:

1. Always give specific instructions to where you live, give a house number and a postcode if necessary.
- "There's nothing worse for a paedophile than driving round forever, looking for Ruby Street, when you meant Ruby Drive."

2. Always tell them what school you go to
- "Just because your parents tell you you're beautiful, doesn't mean you are, giving them a contingency plan is just polite."

3. Meet somewhere private
- "Remember, paedophiles are your friend, you wouldn't want to get a friend in trouble now would you?"

4. Never lie about your age
- "Remember, nonces can get quite agitated if they are expecting a ten-year-old and some smart-ass 16-year-old rocks up. If your too old, get out of the game."

5. When going to meet a nonce, take precautions
- "That first time can be pretty sore, make sure to take some form of lube with you, they may also have friends they want to share you with, so take a pack of Durex as well."

The report also found that the Internet was helping to cement family ties, with nearly one-third of children befriending their parents on a social networking site.

"It's important for children to be able to look at pictures of their parents posing as drunken twats while they aren't around," added Langton. "Many kids have no evidence of their parents getting so drunk they can't see, then throwing up all over themselves, so its easy for parents to point the finger when a child is dropped off at home by the police half cut."

"This way, children can look their parents square in the eye and say: 'fuck you Mum, fuck you in the face! You were much worse on Saturday night, Dad tagged the pictures of you, I'm off for another Jose Cuervo and there's nothing you can do to stop me'."