News Roundup

INTERNATIONAL:
Kim wins election running against himself

"Holy Shit! That was so unexpected," says sarcastic neighbour

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il was the unanimous winner in the latest "election" in the communist nation.

The results, announced by Pyongyang on Monday were described as "OH. MY. GOD! No fricking way man, that is like too weird, that is like the most shocking thing in the history of shocking things," by South Korea.

"Seriously, I think if you took a 20,000 vault battery, connected it to my nuts, turned it on whilst jamming an un-lubed guitar up my ass, and telling me my son was gay at the same time; I still would not be as shocked as I am now," added Seoul.

UK:
Blair encouraged to stop being shit at everything he does

"Maybe it's time to call it a day eh To?" encourages Levy

Lord Levy has blasted former prime minister Tony Blair by telling him "maybe you should be shit at something else and let someone who actually knows what they are doing have a go. Why don't you try bowls, thats a good old people sport."

Levy made the comments on BBC 4's Week in Westminster programme on Saturday whilst discussing Blair's recent shot at envoy for the Middle East Quartet.

"I would encourage him to still play a role in the Middle East, just maybe a much smaller role, like watching what happens there on the news, then discussing it over a nice cup of Bovril with Cherie," added the Lord.


BUSINESS:
You're totally screwed

"I am sooooo glad I am not you right now" says Bernanke

US Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke addressed the nation on Tuesday declaring "seriously, you guys are fuckoed, absolutely skee-rewed. I mean, I noticed that things were a little bit wobbly before, but yeah, I am so glad I'm not any of you right now."

Whilst your life falls apart all around you, Bernanke will be sat behind his desk, sipping skinny lattes, wondering what to say next in order to try and scare the shit out of traders world wide and send stocks crashing for the ten thousandth time.

"The economy is fucked, the climate is fucked, unemployment is at an all time high, wow. All I can say is: sucks to be you," added the financial guru.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Big name pop stars whine about not being rich enough

"There is no fucking chance I am sitting in a business class seat," gripe overpaid whingebags

Overpaid pop stars such as Blur, Robbie Williams, and Annie Lennox have united to form a group to whinge about some sort of royalty thing the rest of us struggling to make ends meet just wouldn't understand, it was announced on Wednesday.

The stars are forming the group to protest the fact they are only making a boat load of cash from their songs instead of a shit load.

"OK, first of all, let me just say, I don't get it either," a spokesman for the group said. "I'm on minimum wage while those pricks get to swan off and buy what the fuck they like whilst my three-year-old son is still sucking my wife's breast dry because we can't afford food for him, and I can't get a look-in because of that. But hey, like Bernanke said, we're all fucked. I can understand Annie Lennox whinging about money, she is Scottish after all. But anyways, yeah I'm supposed to be telling you about this group, uh, they aren't getting paid enough, that's it in a nutshell."