A look back at today's headlines on Tuesday the 24th of March, 2009
US 'needs new Pakistan strategy'
"Believe it or not, losing was not in our original plans," declares Western nation
Europe 'must lead downturn fight'
"If we all just sit there waiting for America to do something, we could be sat there for quite sometime," Brown prods EU
Violence flares at Dalai Lama peace conference
"Oh the sweet, motherfucking irony," laughs Spiritual leader
Suicide attack on Iraqi funeral
"Two birds, one stone and all that," says madman before blowing himself into a million pieces
Call to 'shut down' Google Street View
"The British public is up in arms about absolutely fuck all yet again. This reminds me of time no one heard me tell Andrew Sachs my friend had pork-sworded his granddaughter and kicked off about it," says completely anonymous TV star
Naked Taoiseach paintings removed
"Please remove that painting of the naked fat man from the wall," plead disgusted Irish MP's
'Prophet carpet' goes for $5.5m
"That's a hell of a profit for the prophet, eh, eh, eh, here all week, try the veal," declares 70s-style comedian auctioneer
Big websites urged to avoid pop-ups
"Masturbating teens don't need pop-ups overtaking the screen whilst they are scurrying to put their erect penises away," Internet companies told
Microsoft launches latest browser
"We are proud to bring to you the latest software that will enable hackers to access your bank account details faster, more accurately, and with almost no hassle from the authorities," says computer company
Teacher numbers fall by 1,000
"You mean teachers don't enjoy being told to fuck off and threatened with a knife on a daily basis?" question bemused pupils
Gene 'has key schizophrenia role'
"We have discovered new information about this disease, and we wish to assure all sufferers: You are not alone, hahahaha, sorry, sorry, I just couldn't resist, I'll be serious now," announces tickled scientist
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