News in Brief

A look back at today's headlines on Monday the 23rd of March, 2009

US details toxic asset programme
"This is a list of things that we can kill you with," boasts world superpower

Trial starts for Mumbai suspect
"We only say suspect so it looks like a fair trial, we all know he's going down like a poorly equipped White Star liner on her maiden voyage," states judge

Angry OAP posts pension 'rise' back to Prime Minister
"You can put this twenty five pence towards your expenses, you massive mound of cock gobblers," irate geriatric shouts whilst shaking fist in general direction of Houses of Parliament

BNP cop is first to be fired
"Beating up minorities is not what our organisation is about, well, it is, but not in your spare time," explains Scotland Yard chief

Daily Mail group cuts 1,000 jobs
"It's been twelve years, we just don't need all these Diana stories anymore," declares daily waffler

Griffiths says he is 'ashamed' over cheating claims
"I hang my head in shame, she is an absolute munter," says disgraced MP

Police 'heavy-handed at protests'
"Okay, okay, perhaps stamping on the protesters heads was a bad idea," police admit

Bank heads give back stock options
"We'll keep the cash, but you can have these back. They aren't worth shit anyways," bank chiefs repent

US bikini wax ban plans ditched
"OK, we let you vote to stop you whinging, but this is definitely not what the whole suffrage thing was about. There's no way we will allow hairy growlers, this isn't the 70's for fucks sake," male lawmakers inform female Senators

Paris youths in row over condoms
"If ze pup sez we don't need zem, zen we don't need zem," French boys tell casual sexual acquaintances

UFO sighting revealed to be a hoax
"A drawing of a space ship on a napkin in crayon does not constitute 'photographic evidence'" Lauds Home Office