Moscow tries to out-Glasgow Glasgow

"We try drinking lots. Not work. We try heroin maybe now," declares Russian capital

Russia announced on Tuesday that Moscow was attempting to out-do Glasgow by becoming the worlds heroin capital

It is hoped that the board for the European Capital of Culture are keeping close tabs on Moscow so perhaps they can win some much needed cash to inject into the 'mildy fornicated' economy.

The move has met outrage in Glasgow itself with one local, who asked to remain anonymous declaring, "who the fuck's this Russia fella? Ill smash his fuckin heeed in ya hear? Glasgow is oooor tooooown, and neh fuckers gonna take that aweee from us," before stumbling off down the road with a loaf of thick white sliced bread in his hand.

Russians are remaining on the positive however and are hoping the latest influx of the drug from Afghanistan can aid their chances of getting their hands on the loot. "We used to walk around drunk all time, but that was not Glaswegian enough for Russians," declared Vladimir Hicksburgski, a representative of the Kremlin. "So instead we just all get off tits on grade 'A' smack and ask people for spare 10 Rubles to get train back to Paisley."

"We not know how heroin work at first, but then we watch funny gibberish language film 'Trainspotting' and we see exactly what to do. Now hopefully please we have some money from Capital Culture guy for rocket for fire at US of A."

William Doberdean, a Russian expert in the UK said the effort by Russia has promise: "Lets look at this in practical terms," he said. "Moscow has most of the boxes ticked on the way to becoming to the new Glasgow: 1. It's a shithole; 2. It has a high crime rate; 3. 90% of the population are arseholed on cheap vodka; 4. It fucking freezing there; 5. The Russian people on the whole are very racist. Its pretty much mostly there apart from the massive heroin problem, so they are doing everything they can to rectify that, and I doubt the folks at the Capital of Culture haven't noticed. I commend their efforts."

Russia has long been a fan of Scottish heritage with the film 'Braveheart' grossing a whopping $48 million in its opening weekend in the former communist country in 2001, and are hoping that the latest effort by the Kremlin will bring them closer to their dream of becoming the next Glasgow.

"You never know," added Doberdean, "in a few years time, they could have a one-eyed leader who wasn't actually elected. It only takes a rogue pencil to be thrown into the eye of President Medvedev and they might as well start donning kilts and swearing uncontrollably."