Government announces plans for massive nationwide sychronous bowel movement

"What we are hoping for is a sort of New Years Eve-style countdown, ending with one, well-timed, simultaneous dump," says spokesman

The government today announced plans to make everyone in the UK foul themselves at the exact same time.

Secret talks have now been being held behind closed doors for six months to discuss a strategy which will cause all citizens in the UK to shit their pants at precisely the same time.

Government warnings about everything you touch causing some form of terminal illness, massive rises in unemployment that will directly affect you and your family that will surely soon die because of something you did to do with global warming, and the undeniably real threat that al-Qaeda will soon take over your local branch of Tescos simply to poison the asparagus you will be purchasing for dinner next Tuesday, have have slowly been on the rise since the beginning of 2009.

The government is hoping that all these small warnings will slowly begin gripping you, and causing that feeling you get when you are called into your bosses office for no apparent reason when you know you have been fucking about on the Internet all day when you should have been doing something productive.

Then, whilst they have your undivided attention, the government will then release four simultaneous giant warnings which will cause you to get the massive urge to drop your load no matter where you happen to be.

Speculation on what those warnings could actually be has had experts on government warnings' chins wagging as they attempt to guess what bomb-shells they will announce on the day the big plan takes effect and the shit hits the fan, the floor, the chair, the bloke behind you on the tube, basically, everything.

An inside source who refused to be named said: "It will probably be some sort of flashing warning, breaking in during a show which everyone is watching like an episode of Coronation Street where we announced they were killing off Gail Platt, because lets face it, who wouldn't want to watch that bitch cop it?"

"Then, just as she's about to croak, the emergency broadcast system will jump into action, with lights flashing, booming something like 'Ruby Wax is actually your mother' or 'John Leslie is at your door right now' causing everyone to absolutely gravy themselves"

The date for the announcements has not been released, however, experts are predicting that it will be some time in June when the weather is warm and there is a heatwave caused by global warming that was your fault so that the freshly laid fecal matter from everyone will cause a gigantic stench throughout the whole of the UK, making the entire country smell like Peterborough.