News in Brief

A quick roundup of today's events on Monday the 16th of March 2009

Fritzl hears daughters testimony
"Sounds about right to me," Austrian dungeon master thinks to himself

Red Cross accusses CIA of torturing suspects
"Define what you mean by the word 'torturing', exactly," Central Intelligence Agency questions International aid group

Chavez offers use of base to Russia
"Your missiles can reach America much quicker from here," El Presidente offers Kremlin

Bernanke hopeful for US recovery
"Maybe we should all just try crossing our fingers and hope the economy fixes itself. Its fucked, totally fucked," Fed chief announces

Obama doesn't want AIG execs to get bonuses
"Lets be honest, you don't really deserve one now do you," Commander in Chief tells bungling bosses

Health Secretary vetoes plan for booze price rise
"I pissed a lot of politicians off today, I need a fucking drink, and I'm not about to pay a packet for it," exclaims Johnson

Cambridge entry requirements ridiculously high
"You should probably start cheating on your exams now," Pompous University tells hopefuls

Iraqi footballer shot dead as he's about to score
"Why didn't our fans think of that tactic?" United boss thinks aloud

Chinese athletes 'faked their age' according to new report
"We kinda guessed that was the case," rest of the world informs communist sporting community

Hotline set up for dumped shopping trolleys
"We're just sick of being pushed around," declare shopping aides