The Press today were astounded to learn that a body, thought to have a A4 folder for a head was not some kind of crazy undiscovered species, but instead, just a guy hiding his face from the worlds' press, using a blue loose-leaf ring-binder because he was embarrassed of what he did.
Designated 'Homoscrinium-caput', Latin for 'folder-head man', the creature was captured ambling into a courtroom in Austria. Initially, word had spread quickly that someone had spotted an entirely new species of human, with a folder for a head, and Press from all over the globe swiftly descended on the sleepy town of St Pölten, in Austria.
Regrettably, hopes were dashed this afternoon when it emerged that "Binder Boy", as the Press has affectionately named him, was actually an Austrian man, named Joseph Fritzl, currently on trial for the incestuous rape, and imprisonment of his daughter, along with the murder of one of the children he fathered with her.
"Well, that’s depressing!" exclaimed Mike Hicksburgh, journalist for the Daily Mail, "I thought that it was gonna be an amazing scoop, something that would grab the attention of your average Joe, something that everyone would be interested in - like a blue folder-headed dude. No, we have to settle instead for the average, run-of-the-mill everyday, 'lock your daughter in a concrete cellar you built in secret with your own two hands for twenty-four years and rape her repeatedly, fathering her seven children' dude. It's just not that interesting really."
"At least with blue folder-headed dude, I could have done some proper investigative digging - maybe he had an affair with Diana? We could actually have some blue folder-headed royalty running about the UK right now? But no, incest in the royal family is nothing new. My editor’s called me off the story now. I've now gotta write a front page leader exposing how immigrants are taking all our jobs and stabbing teens in London," he added.
Toby Doberdean, Foreign “Weirdo Watch” correspondent for The Sun said: "Ah Fuck it, I'll just make some shit up about this folder-head. No one buys The Sun anyways, besides, I've already fabricated six paragraphs about it on the way here. Yep, 'SPECIES 'FOLDER' THAN MAN HIMSELF FOUND' is the headline I'm going with. Did you see what I did? It's a pun, like I've used the word 'folder', instead of 'older', fucking genius mate!"
A source close to the court proceedings has said, "He's pretty much guilty of everything. They’re actually fast-forwarding through the witness testimony to save us all a bit of time.”
“Yadda Yadda... Dad made me a playroom downstairs. Yadda Yadda... he moved in with me part time. Yadda Yadda... my kids all have webbed toes and are scared of the light.”
Austrian Prosecutors have also stated additional charges maybe brought against the man for impersonating a filing aide.
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