Ryanair today announced plans to charge you for absolutely fucking everything. The Dublin-based carrier said there would now be charges for anything you do, regardless of whether you're flying with Ryanair, or indeed if you've even heard of Ryanair.
Last week Ryanair had announced plans to charge their staff an hourly rate for having the pleasure of working for them. But this week they thought they would go one step further and charge everyone for everything, all the time.
Large, burly debt collectors will be sent round to the houses of everyone in the UK and Ireland to collect the 'mandatory living charge' and those who refuse to pay will be heavily beaten and dragged through the streets whilst 'complyers' throw rotten, unsold egg & watercress sandwiches at them, which they will then in turn, be charged for throwing. There will also be a penalty fine to pay for not purchasing the sandwich in the first place, allowing it to go off.
"You fecker's owe us money," said Michael O'Leary, Chief executive of Ryanair. "Basically, you don't pay, we fuck you up, it's that simple, we own you, we own everything, we are Ryanair, give us your money, give us it now or I'll cut your face, I'm not fucking about here, hand it over."
Janine Hicksburg, spokesperson for Which? market research company said: "Some people have said they are unhappy about this situation and say they won't cave in to bullying but to be quite honest with you, they are Ryanair, they can do whatever the fuck they like, I'm not gonna stop them no sireee, I hold a certain fondness for my knee-caps, and I'd like to keep them thank you kindly."
Hicksburg was then charged £12 'interviewee tax' plus an £8 'answer tax', and our reporter charged '£60 interviewer tax' plus £14 'asking tax' on top of which there was a £32 'talking to a member of the opposite sex tax'.
In total, this article cos over £300 to produce, so any donations to help out can be kindly sent to:
Ryanair Corporate Head Office
Dublin Airport
Co. Dublin
Ireland
No comments:
Post a Comment