Report states bleeding obvious

"We know you already knew this, we just have fuck all else to do," claims Children's Society

The Children's Society today told us something we already knew by telling us that its not just adults that are affected by the recession, but also children, some as young as four-years-old being forced to eat Tesco Value baked beans instead of Heinz.

"We kinda figured you knew that the recession was forcing you to buy own brand, but we really had nothing else to do today, so we thought we'd just tell you," said Ian Hicksburgh, spokesman for the Children's Society. "We really tried to do something worthwhile today, but there's only so many cupboards to clean in our office, so we kinda just thought, 'fuck it, lets tell them what they already know'".

Many of the 17- to 19-year-olds surveyed in this colossal waste of time claimed that they were finding it tough to find a job.

"I just sit in the house all day, playing Call of Duty 4," said Nick Doberdean, an unemployed 17-year-old from Kent, "I can see why this job hunting thing is such a bitch for unemployed people, I have to sit through a full episode of 'Loose Women' before my mum lets me use the TV, its a nightmare."

"Yeah I would look for a job, but my mate Jimmy said he went down the Job Centre one day, but there were like three people waiting to use those job search machines, so he just fucked it off and smoked a spliff. I tried typing 'job' into the google search as well, but I was so used to preceding it with 'blow' that I accidentally typed in 'blow job' and so I just stayed in having a wank all day - if there was some way, just anyway at all, to make money off my love juice, I would do it," said Doberdean.

The announcement comes as Alistair Darling put two fingers up at the nation by announcing that the Royal Bank of Scotland would still be allowed to pay employees bonuses, but just not as much because they "fucked up the economy a smidgen".

"I think tomorrow we are going to do a report on how fried chicken comes from chickens," added Hicksburg.