Keeping Mum whilst Dad hits shit

Parents need 'lessons' on how to beat unruly little shits.

Parents of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) need teaching how to control the little fuckers, according to new guidelines announced today.

The Leeds Institute of Loathing Sufferers of Hyperactive Induced Tantrums Syndrome (LIL'SHITS) says that drugs such as Ritalin should be avoided completely, and drugs such as Nytol, Morphine, Cannabis, and Heroin should be used sparingly.

It is estimated that there are nearly 600,000 UK parents who are currently using the excuse "He can't help it, he's got ADHD." While a genuine 37,000 cases of ADHD get a bad reputation for being little shits.

"The problem we 'ave is right, that there are so many cases of blatant lying about ADHD out there, that we can't figure out which kids can't help bein' little twats, and those that are just bein' little twats eh?... up chuck," said Yorkshireman John Yorkshireman, spokesman for the LIL'SHITS institute.

"What tat 'ickle bastards need is a good hydin'. T'was good nuff fir me in mah day, so should be good nuff fir them... by gum." added Yorkshireman.

"Little Satans"

LIL'SHITS guidelines, which cover all of England and the UK's very own bastard children (Scotland, Wales, and that other one what no-one knows the name of cos they cant just all call it one name) will teach parents how to beat the living b'Jesus out of these little satans without leaving telltale marks.

Dr. Dave Doberdean, the head of the LIL'SHITS treatment plan who has previously publicly questioned the over-reliance on western medicines, welcomes the moves towards "basic slapping" which he believes can be just as effective.

"A lot of parents are now moving to a more physical-abuse regime in order to control their kids. Since the introduction of basic-slapping, we've seen some excellent improvements in child behaviour but I've also found that the parents were sometimes twatting their kids in the wrong way - leaving bruising, cuts etc. This often leads to busybody bastard teachers or nosey medical staff informing Social Services like what happened in that episode of ER for research I was watching last week."

Family Fun

Dr. Doberdean continued, "Our programme is more of a Camp X-Ray / Guantanamo Bay sort of programme - sleep and sensory deprivation, stress torture and water-boarding. We encourage all family members to participate, especially those on the receiving end of the child's behaviour. It's sort of fun for all the family."

"The ones who are genuinely little twats will be soon learn to alter their behaviour to not act like c*nts all the time. Those that don't change and are legitimately affected by ADHD, can just be drugged-up to the eyeballs and sit in the corner - all sedate and stuff. Sure... they might go a bit mental around their mid-twenties early thirties, but hey, they'll be quiet until then, so who really gives a fuck?" said Dr. Doberdean.

Lame Duck Prime Minister, Gordon Brown hailed the new treatment plan as 'genius' adding: "Did you like it? Cos if you did, it was all my idea, I swear... please let me stay, I'll do a good job, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, pretty please, with sugar on top?"

David Cameron responded saying "The sticking of a needle in your eye don't mean shit Brown, everyone knows you only have one good one and you would only stick the needle in the bad one pretending it was your good one... even Blunkett can see you're in a gigantic lying tit-heap of horseshit. Thank you - vote Conservative."

"The LIL'SHITS programme is expected to begin February 2009, so the freshly unemployed George W. Bush can give expert advise on how to flat out deny torture when your clearly torturing ta' shit out of people... ow-do." added Yorkshireman.