Dear Scooby

I FEEL TOO INVOLVED WITH MY CASUAL BOYFRIEND IN JAIL
Dear Scooby,
I met a man in a club six months ago and we found we had a lot in common. We're both into keeping fit and are into romance novels.
We saw each other a few times then he confessed he was on bail and could be sent to prison. He hadn't done anything violent or sexual but his solicitor had warned him to expect the worst, as this wasn't his first run-in with the law.
He was sent down and I've visited him in jail and write regularly. His family are ashamed of him and haven't bothered to contact him.
He says he has a new outlook on life since meeting me and promises never to wind up in prison again.
In every letter he says he loves me and keeps talking about us living together when he gets out. He's even mentioned children. We're both in our early 20s.
I do have feelings for him but he's moving way too fast and I'm worried he won't change even though he sounds sincere. I don't want to be a criminal's girlfriend. Do you think I should give him a chance at love and a relationship?
Pauline

Dear Pauline,
Firstly, can I have your telephone number please? You sound like the easiest girl in the world to get off with 'both into keeping fit and romance novels'. I think if you told him you were into unicorns and long walks on the beach, I guarantee he would say 'hey, me too, I love unicorns, lets go to Formby!'. Seriously woman, get a grip.
Secondly - hes in prison, and any decent ex-con will give you the exact same advice - "either make someone your bitch, or be someones bitch" - either his knobs as filthy as a pile of used pampers or his ass has been pounded more times than Phil Collins' drumkit. Its bum or be bummed in there darling, so if he hadn't done anything 'sexual or violent' before - he has now.
'He has a new outlook on life' - ah, sorry missed that bit, hes someones bitch.
'He says he loves me and hes mentioned children' - in what kind of way has he mentioned children? If hes spending a little too much time on the old 'E-wing' some of those ex-scout leaders can warp a fragile little 20-year-old boys mind.
I notice that at the end of your letter, you mentioned the fact that you 'dont want to be a criminals girlfriend' - alarm bells should have been ringing here Pauline as it doesnt take Einstein to work out the MAN + PRISON = CRIMINAL.
If you dont want to be with a criminal, then I suggest you dump the criminal. Sounds simple doesnt it? Well so do you.
When he does get out, he wont have any sort of income coming in, lets face it - the £7 a week he earned at Her Majesty's Pleasure wont exactly buy you a fancy wedding dress, but you can take solace in the fact that you will save on bog roll cos his shit aint even gonna touch the sides after the ass raping's hes been taking.
Do I think you should give him a chance at love and a relationship? Yes, you are clearly mental and you probably wont ever do any better. Good luck with your life.

Scooby
xxx